30 - A Story (part 4-6)

Part 4

The next minute when I woke up, I found myself in a room with familiar smell. The smell of the antiseptic and the medicines. I wonder who send me to the hospital. I open my eyes slightly and saw a person sleeping on an armchair next to me. It’s Isaac. Oh my, why is he here? What should I tell him? Before I am able to sit up, my sister, Lyn walked in. Her footstep has wakened Isaac. He holds my hands telling me that he’s glad that I’m fine. Lyn told him that my blood sugar level was low and that was why I fainted in the hallway. I looked at Lyn, giving her a smile to thanks her for not telling him the truth. Isaac said that he should get going, and he will be back later to visit me. I told him it’s all; right, he doesn’t need to come back and I thank him for sending me here. Isaac’s expression has changed immediately. He looks sadder than before. I’m hurting him again. He must be very disappointed with me. But that’s how I want him to be. To be angry with me, upset with me, disappointed. He tried to smile at me and asked me to take care. Take care. I think by now, he has already given up on me.

I turned around and cover my face with the blanket. I do not know how to face the people around me. I had lied to my parents about Isaac; I had lied to everyone in this world, including myself. I hold myself from crying. I want to be the tough ones. Not the one who can easily broke into tears. The drips’ needle on my hand has caused me to feel uncomfortable. But I guess that I need to get use to it as in the future, I will be having the same thing again here, right on my hand.

Time passed quite slowly. I am nearly bored to death until I hear a knock on my door. It’s Amy. I greet her and thank her for visiting me and keep me from being so bored. She bought a bouquet of pink daisy flowers for me. Daisy is my favorite flower. Its petals are small. The colors are very beautiful and looking at it has always made me feel so calm. She placed the bouquet by my bedside and sat next to me on the bed. She pats me on my head. Smoothing my hair. Smiling at me gently. I told her that I am doing fine. It’s just my blood sugar level that’s low. That’s all. She nodded her head. We sat there in silence. I do not know what to say to her. Should I tell her the truth? Hmm… I guess no. Look at her now. She’s so worried sick about me. If I tell her the truth, it will be worse. So I decided to keep it. Maybe someday, when the time is right, I will tell her.

The nurse walked in to my room holding a tray of medicine in her hand. Medicine time. The time that I hate the most. “It’s a good day today girls. Why not you two take a walk out there after taking the medicine, Moon?” I smiled her. Amy poured a glass of water for me. I tried to swallow all the medicines as fast as I can. I don’t want Amy to suspect anything. I thank the nurse, Ms. Wong, for the medicines. She brought in a wheelchair for me. She said it’s best if I don’t walk myself. Both of them helped me on the wheelchair.

Amy pushed me to the lift. I joked around with her, telling her it’s quite comfortable sitting on this thing. I don’t need to walk myself. Amy smiled. She said the one who’s on the chair will be comfortable but the one that’s pushing need to use lots of energy because she need to push an “elephant” that’s sitting right on this chair. I turned around, look at her and both of us burst into laughter. Looks like the silence ice has break. She pushed me down to the garden. She told me that the whole class knew about me and some of them planned to pay me a visit. I asked Amy to pass my message to them, telling them that I’m fine and they don’t need to visit me, as I will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. She told me some of the things that happen in the class today, updating me on the lectures information.

With someone chatting with you will really make the time past very fast. It’s already 1800. Amy sends me back to my room and excuse herself. My family members came right after Amy left. My mom brought some clothes for me. She told me that they had dropped by the doctor’s clinic (which is located at the first floor of the hospital) earlier. The doctor wants me to stay for another two days so that he can do a full check-up for me. What can I say? Can I tell them no? I don’t think so. I have to agree. Urgh~~ another two boring days coming. I asked my sister to bring my laptop along tomorrow when she come and visit me. Lavina offered to stay back to accompany me. I told her to go back. I will be doing fine staying here alone. They went back after a while.

I hope that these two days will past very fast. My class had organized a trip to Bukit Tinggi Resort. It’s a 3 days 2 nights trip. I want to prepare my stuff for the trip. This may be the last class trip for me. After the doctor told us that I’ve stop reacting to my medicines, he said that the tumor in my brain might start spreading very fast. Thinking about it gave me a chill down my spine. Why do I have to face all these? Will I not be getting married and having my own children in the future? Will I have the chance to have all these happiness? I got down from my bed and sat at the armchair facing the window. I can’t get into sleep. I know I should have enough rest but I just can’t sleep. I flip a magazine, looking at all the pictures. Reading every article in the magazine. Without realizing, it’s already 0600.

I put down the magazine and walked around the room, trying to do some light stretching after sitting there the whole night. I miss my dance class as well. I turned on the mp3 player on my handphone and danced to the song that’s playing. I closed my eyes, trying to feel the presence of Isaac. Oh, there’s one thing that I want to tell you. Isaac was my dance partner before I stop dancing. There was when our relationship started. Sounds romantic right? We had waltzed together in a competition and managed to get 3rd place. I really miss that moment when we won. He hugged me right after they announced our winning and then he asked me whether I will be his girlfriend or not. That was a double happiness for me and was the most memorable moment. But that’s already a past. What I have to do now is to face the future, not keep looking back at my past.

The nurse knocked on my door and tells me that I need to get ready to do the scanning. She said that she’d be back in another 15 minutes to get me. I hate going through all these procedures. Putting me in machines, attaching me to so many things. It made me feel as if I am a doll. But I knew that by doing all these, the doctors will be able to keep up with my overall body health. This procedure took around 3 hours. After that, I was send back to my room.

I spent the whole afternoon all by myself. Lying around, thinking about what will I be facing in the future, how will I face it, how will the people around me react towards their acknowledge about my sickness. I fell asleep right after that. I woke up at night around 2100. My family members were there. They were all sitting around me. I smiled at them, asking them why they didn’t wake me up. They said they knew that I’m very tired and so they had let me sleep longer. We chat a little until I fell asleep again. The next day when I woke up, I saw Amy and a few more friends sitting at the corner of the room, chatting. I sat up and don’t know what to say to them. Amy told me that she had called my house and my parents told her that I’m still in the hospital. my parents had told her that since I’m already in the hospital, so they’ve decided to let me have a full body check-up as well. It was a Sunday morning. A gloomy Sunday morning.

“Hey, I’ll come and fetch you tomorrow morning when you’re discharge then we can go shopping together to get some stuff we need for the trip. How do you like that?”
“That’s the most brilliant idea. I can’t wait for tomorrow. I’m bored to death staying here in the hospital. Hahaha…”

They left the hospital after an hour of chatting. Girls. we can just talk about anything anywhere for a long duration. (Laugh). Before they left, we took a group photo together. I look so pale in that photo.

Today really past very fast. Maybe it’s because I have something to look forward to. Amy was waiting for me downstairs at the lobby the next morning. Mike helped me to bring home my other belongings and I left the hospital with Amy. We bought a few new clothes and each of us got a jacket with the same design. The overall is black in color with glittery purple lining at the bottom and the back of the jacket was written BFF. We agreed to wear it together during the trip. Amy sends me back after that.

My parents greeted me in he living room. They asked me to take a sit and they would like to tell me something. They said that Dr. Raj has dropped by that evening to see both of them. He had the result of my report. He said that there was a slight increase in my tumor size. I can feel my whole body got so weak. I don’t know what to say. I looked at my parents. They looked so worried. I am so scared at this point. I told them I want to take a rest early tonight. I took all my things and walked to my room. What can I do now? Should I accept the chemotherapy that the doctor has suggested? I decided to put this news away until the trip is over.

Two more days for the trip. I went to the hospital the next day to get my medicines. The doctor told me to be careful and if there’s any wrong with me, stay calm and don’t be panic. Call him if I need to. I took my medicines and say thank you to him. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me to take care of myself properly. Dr. Raj is really a nice and friendly person. He’s a caring middle age man with a wonderful family. He diagnosed me with my sickness few years’ back and he has taken care of me since then.


Part 5

My dad sends me to the campus on that day. He watched me board the bus. I can see that he looks worried for me. I assured him that I would take care of myself real good and if there’s anything, I will call them to pick me up. Isaac was in the same bus as me. He an his friends were like entertainer throughout the journey. They sang, danced, and gave us some riddles to guess. I think that the bus driver must be very frustrated with all the noises behind. I didn’t pay much attention to them as our bus was going up the hill. I can feel the pressure on my head. It makes my head as if it will burst. I closed my eyes trying to hold the pain. I can feel tear on my cheek. It’s really painful. Amy tapped my shoulder asking me if I’m alright. I told her it’s just the pressure and that I’m fine. She let me rest my head on her shoulder. When the bus arrived at the resort, my head was getting better.

We unload all the luggage bags and the guys were assigned to carry the girls bag to the room. Isaac offered himself to help Amy and I to carry the bags. I wanted to tell him we can handle it ourselves but before I could say so, Amy has already say ok. So I just follow behind them quietly. Looking at Isaac’s broad shoulder from behind, I just can’t hold myself from hugging him, telling him that I am sorry for all the things I’ve did. I don’t feel like lying to him anymore. But I can’t. We reach our room and he helps us to bring our luggage into the room. He turned around to me but I tried my best to avoid meeting his eyes. He walked out from the room after Amy said thank you. Amy closed the door behind me and asked me why am I being so rude to him. I didn’t answer her. I walked to my bed and lied on it. I drifted off to sleep again. Why am I feeling so sleepy all the time? Is it because of the medicine that I’ve taken?

During dinnertime, Amy woke me up. She said everyone is waiting in the restaurant. I told her that I’ll be there soon and had asked her to go first. I quickly change into a thicker sweater to keep me warm and grab my bag with the medicines in it. I closed the door behind me but accidentally dropped the card. I bent down to take it when I suddenly feel the dizziness again. I quickly hold on to the wall to get my balance. I pause for a few seconds and took a long breath after that. I stand up straight, walked slowly. The dizziness then slowly fades away. When I reach the restaurant, the guys were making the sound as if I’m a VIP entering the restaurant. Everyone laughed at it. I can feel my face was blushing a little. I apologized to everyone for being late. Then I took a seat next to Amy.

Amy told me that I look pale and my lips are very dry. I said maybe it’s because I just woke up and it will be better later. The dinner was served. Grilled chicken with coleslaw as the side dish and some mashed potato by the side. I scooped the mashed potato to Amy because I don’t like to eat it. The whole restaurant was really happening at that time. We can hear laughter of the people from my class and some of them were even singing. It was a bit hard for me to finish up the chicken because my throat felt very uncomfortable. I tried my best to finish it and excuse myself to the washroom. I took my medicines in the toilet cubicle because I’m afraid that other people will saw the amount of medicines I’m taking. It’s really a lot. Yuck. The pills were all very bitter. Why can’t those people invent medicines that taste sweet and with rainbow colors on it? I forced myself to swallow all of it. Then I walked back to my seat and took a long sip from the plain water served.

I sat there quietly the whole night, observing my friends. Trying to capture as many good memories as I can. The light was then suddenly dimmed and waltz music was played. They announced my name and Isaac’s. The lecturer had requested us to dance for everyone. My whole body tensed up. Isaac walked towards me, offering his hand. I have to accept it. I don’t want to embarrass him in front of other people. We walked to the center of the room. The music was restarted. We danced to the rhythm of the music. This has brought back the memories of us during the time in the dance school. Amazingly after so long, we can still be so compatible in our steps. We danced till the music stop. Everyone there including the waiters and waitresses gave us applause for our performance. I am really very happy at that time. I’ve not been dancing for so long and yet, I can still dance quite well. We bowed to our audiences. The dizziness came back again. I grabbed Isaac’s arm to avoid myself from falling. My leg felt so weak. I am so scared at that moment. My vision was blurring, I can hear buzzing noise. Isaac holds me by my shoulder. Trying to keep me from falling. Then in the buzzing noise, I can hear my name being called out. Then again, everything went blank.

I woke up lying in a field of lavender. The scent of the lavender has made me feel so calm. Then I hear my name being called. “Moon. Moon.” The clear blue sky suddenly turned red. The clouds were moving so fast. It looks like a fast-forwarded film.

I opened my eyes slowly because the lights were quite bright. I saw Amy, Isaac, and my parents by my side. Why were my parents here? Have I fainted for a long time? Then I saw Dr. Raj walking in. At this time, I knew that Amy and Isaac have already been told about my sickness. I shut my eyes again hoping that all these were just a dream. Then I open my eyes again. They were there. These were no dreams. How I wish I could just drift off back into the lavender field and be there forever …


Part 6

I laid on the bed closing my eyes tightly. All I want to do now is to hide away from them. But I know that I can’t hide away from all these. I opened my eyes again, looking at them. They were all standing in a circle, discussing something in low voice. I tried to rise up from my bed. But I couldn’t. I can feel my whole was very numb. I called Dr. Raj, but my voice was stuttering. I called Dr. Raj for a few time until I can say it out a bit louder. All of them turned to me at the same time. This part really looks hilarious. They look so animated. Dr. Raj walked to me, patting me on my head. I told him that my whole body felt so numb. He looked at me and told me that this was also one of the symptoms from my sickness. He said that his would go away after a while. He passed me some medicines to eat.

My parents and Dr. Raj left the room leaving Isaac and Amy with me. Both of them were standing at the end of the bed looking at me. The first thing I said to them was sorry. That was what I wanted to say the most. The room was in a silence for a while, and then Amy asked me why I want to hide this away from them.

“ I am so sorry, Amy, Isaac. When I was diagnosed with this sickness, I myself couldn’t accept it at first. Then I slowly accepted it and had doubt whether or not to tell both of you. That time it was just the first stage. I don’t want both of you to be sad over this thing. Isaac, the reason why I’m acting so mean towards you is that I don’t want you to be sad after I leave this world. I thought that without me by your side, you can still live happily. I didn’t know that it would make you feel so sad. I really owe both of you infinity of apologies.”

Both of them looked at me as if they’re trying to study my mind. I looked at both of them. My heart was beating very fast. At last, they found out about it. How will they react towards me? I really don’t dare to think any further. Isaac walked towards my bedside. He hugged me so tightly. I can feel his warm tears on my shoulder. “You’re really silly, Moon. How can you think that I will be happy without you by my side? During this period without you by my side, it was really a hell for me. You had made me so confuse about everything. I am very stupid also. How I can I not notice that you’re not feeling well? Oh my, we had gone around the bush for this. Will you give me another chance to take care of you? I really do hope that you’ll let me to do so,” said Isaac, still hugging me so tightly. I whispered to his ears telling him I’m sorry again and yes. I would like to give myself a chance to be with him again. I hugged him with all my strengths, but it’s also considered a very weak hug.

Amy standing there looking at us with tears in her eyes. I let go of my hand from Isaac and hugged Amy. I told her I am really sorry for lying to her, for not sharing my secret with her as what we had promised. Suddenly everyone burst into laughter. Three of us hugging and crying in a room, it really look very dramatic. Isaac holds my hand and he told me that he’d be by my side to fight the time bomb in my brain. I asked them not to tell others about me, as I don’t want them to think that I’m a weird person or something. I want others to treat me as a normal person. Both of them promised that they will keep it and asked me not to worry too much about all these.

The next morning, I followed my parents and Dr. Raj back to KL. Looks like my last trip has not been working out very well and I think I’ve spoiled everyone’s first night last night. I asked my parents to ask the lecture to keep it as a secret. I don’t want everyone to know about it. I told Amy sorry for having to leave her behind in this trip. I gave her a hug. Then I hugged Isaac and told him not to worry and I want him to enjoy this trip on be half of me as well. I went into the car. I felt so reluctant to leave. But I have to. Dr. Raj wants me to be admitted into the hospital again for a few days so that he could monitor me.

We dropped by my house and packed some clothes to bring over to the hospital. I brought along a pot of daisy flower to decorate the room. You know, hospital wardroom is very plain and the surrounding doesn’t give you a comfortable environment. So, I have to decorate it a bit so that it will be more comfortable.

I greeted the nurse at the reception of the floor. I knew some of them quite well because they always take care of me during my stays there. It was raining out there. My parents excuse themselves after a while because they said they need to get back to the office for some follow up. They’ll be back tomorrow. They kissed me on my forehead telling me that they love me. I smiled to them and told them I love them too. I sat in the room alone, listening to the tapping sound of the rain on the window. I took out my laptop and viewed some photo that I’ve taken in the past. All the good memories. I smiled when I turn to every picture.

There was this picture of Amy and I, both covered with mud. That was taken when we went for a field trip. Both of us slipped and fell into a puddle of mud. One of the classmates managed to capture it. Then I opened the file where there’s photo of Isaac and I. I love the way Isaac smiled to the camera. It’s so sweet. After finish looking at all the pictures, I turned on some music. I lied on the bed, reading the handbook about brain tumor that was given to me by Dr. Raj. He said that I should learn about this a little so that if I feel anything is not right, I will know what’s happening.

I came to the part where it said that we will have difficulty in speech and walking, and may subsequently have hearing loss. Our vision will not be very good also. I put away the book. I don’t want to read it anymore. I am scared to face all these. Loosing my hearing? Loosing my clear vision? How am I going to be if I can’t hear anything or see anything? All these questions played in my mind. It made me felt a bit frustrated. I decided to sleep. Thinking about all these will not help much anyway.