Part 1
Beds of daisy flower surrounding me. I can smell the sweet scent of it. Here I am, lying in this box, dressed up in my favorite floral dress. I knew that today will come to me and I will be freed from the pain and suffers that I’ve been going through all these while. But I also knew that this would cause my love ones a lot of pain.
I was there, at my own funeral that morning. I saw my parents’ red puffy eyes due to lack of sleep and tiredness of crying. My siblings were standing there in silence. My friends, some were crying and some were just staring. And then I saw the guy that I had once loved, standing in a corner with his teary eyes. I would really like to say sorry to him at this moment but I know that he won’t be able to hear my voice.
Before I left this world, I had written a note and had asked the nurse to pass it to my family when I died.
“Dear all, I know that I won’t be staying long in this world anymore as I am not tough enough to fight these demons away. I can feel the presence of the one that will lead me to another world. And so I've written a note and had asked Ms. Wong to keep it until the day I leave this world
Without me by your side, I know that it will make a bit of difference, but I hope you all will be able to get use to it. Every living human will leave this world one day; it’s just a matter of when. I hope that you all will not be sad with me leaving you all. I do not want to see you all crying over me, as I am afraid that this will rub off the good memories that you and I had ever had. I want you to remember me as the happy girl and I want you to smile whenever you thought of me.
Here I would like to say goodbye to everyone and thank you for everything. I am a truly lucky person to have all of you by my side whenever I need you the most. I had lived a good life with so many blessings. I leave this world with no regret. Thank you again to everyone especially my parents. Till we meet again in the after life, goodbye and take care. Love, Moon.”
The nurse that had taken care of me had read out this note. Everyone was in silence after she finishes reading it. Some music was played before the coffin cover was sealed. I see myself loaded into a car to be sent to the cremation centre...
*
It was a rainy evening when I called him out. We have not been seeing each other since last month. He sounds really happy over the phone and I know that after our meeting, he will hate me for what I’ve done. But I do not care because I don’t want to see him to be hurt even more in the future.
We met up in a cafeteria where we once date. He walked in with a big smile on his face and he holds my hand so tightly when he sat down. I can feel my heart burning inside but I know that I must tell him this.
“Dear, at last you want to meet up with me. This is the happiest moment of my life.” He hugged me right after he finished his words. I pulled myself out of his arm and took a sip from the drink that I’ve ordered earlier. Chocolate milkshake. He sat back and look at me with a lot of question marks in his head, I believe.
“I would like to break up with you. I can’t stand this any longer. I can’t see any more future in our relationship. I just want the best for both of us so I think that if we live our life separately will be better. That is all I want to say to you today. I am sorry to disappoint you, Isaac. Bye.” I grabbed my bag and walked off. I know that I am being very mean in there but I don’t care. I know that if our relationship go any further, he will be more hurt than today. I took out the car key from my bag when I heard some one calling my name from behind. Isaac was running out, chasing after me. I quickly unlock the door and jumped in. He ran to my car and was knocking on the window, begging me to open it. Asking for another chance. Apologizing. This is not his fault at all. It’s mine. I couldn’t lift up my head to look at him. I felt really bad deep inside for hurting this guy that I love. I quickly start the engine and drive myself out from the parking lot.
I can feel the warm tears rolling down my cheeks. I do not bother to wipe it off, as all I want is to get back home as quickly as possible and bury myself under the comforter. The rain drops on my windscreen made a simultaneous ‘tick-tack-tick-tack’ sound. It sounds a bit like the clock ticking, telling me that I don’t have much time left.
I pulled my car into the garage and walked straight into my room. I buried myself under the comforter for the whole night. I cried till I fall to sleep.
“Wake up. Do you want to be late for your class?” I can hear my mom calling from downstairs. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. It was a bit puffy. And I know it will be a long day for me today. I pulled myself out of the bed and into the bathroom. I got a shock when I look into the mirror. My nose was bleeding. I quickly grab some tissue and stuck it up my nose to stop the bleed. I can’t let my parents know about this. I don’t want them to worry about me. My sickness has already caused them a lot of trouble and now I don’t want them to get worried over this little thing. I prepared myself and tried to look good so that they wont suspect anything. I grabbed my breakfast and told them I’m late for class. I quickly walk to my car. I was praying hard that I wouldn’t bump into Isaac today. I don’t know what to say to him. I drive slowly down the road, taking my own sweet time, enjoying the neighborhood scenery…
Part 2
It took me around an hour to reach the university today. Why? I keep turning into the wrong junction. I do not why this happen because I’ve been driving to the same university, using the same old road for about a year plus and yet I keep taking a wrong turning. Is it because I’m afraid to go to uni and is afraid to bump into Isaac? I really don’t know. I drove into the parking lot in the campus compound. The parking is quite full that morning and so I drive as slow as possible trying to spot an empty lot. I parked my car under the tree and make sure that I’ve locked the car and I walk slowly towards the block where my class is located.
“Moon.” I heard a familiar voice from behind. I turned and saw my friend, Amy waving and jogging towards me. I greet her with a smile (which I think is quite fake) when she reached. We chat a little while walking to the class and suddenly she asked me about Isaac. We stopped and looked at each other. I don’t know what to tell her. In my mind, I was trying to construct a good lie to tell Amy. Gosh… I really don’t know what to tell her. I signaled her to the class and told her that I’ll tell her later during the break. She said Ok and we continue walking to the class.
I couldn’t pay any attention towards the lecture. I was looking around the lecture hall to see if there’s any sight of Isaac or his friends. I was glad that they had skipped the class as usual. I was glad they’re not around but on the other hand, I am worried about Isaac too. Am I being too harsh yesterday? And what am I going to tell Amy about us? How I wish the time could just stop at this moment forever so that I do not need to face all these things.
“Alright students, that’s all for today. Please go back home and do some revision for your next week’s exam. Don’t be laidback.” Dr. Hera grinned when she end her sentence. Dr. Hera is really a sweet lady. Amy quickly packs her stuff and told me that she’ll meet me outside. I put all my stuff into the bag and walked as slow as I can. Amy suggested that we talk in the café nearby because here is just too noisy for us to talk. I said Ok. We walked there in silence.
We ordered our drinks and some food to eat. “So, Moon, can you tell me what had happened between you and Isaac? He called me last night and had asked about you. He said he don’t understand why you want to break up with him.” I stare at Amy’s face for a few seconds. I know that Amy really care about me. She knows that I really love Isaac very much. She must be confused about my action. “Amy, the reason why I broke up with him is that… I think that we’re not compatible for each other. I think that I can’t give him enough happiness and sense of belongingness. Do you understand what I said? I do not want to drag our relationship any further. I know that I am very mean in this, but I really can’t take it any longer. I hope that he’ll find another girl that could give him more happiness than I do.”
Amy looks at me and smile. She said she understands. Amy is the greatest friend that I’ve ever met. We have been friends for about 10 years and each time if I have any problem, she will be there to help me out. We basically know each other’s secret but there’s one thing that she don’t know about me. It’s the sickness that I have. Brain tumor. I don’t intend to keep this secret from her, but I know that if I tell her about my sickness, she will be very upset and she’ll be extra protective over me. I want her to treat me as a normal person, enjoying all the activities together, having fun with each other. This is why I keep this secret from her. I am sorry, Amy.
We had our meal, gossiping about some people from the class. She knows that I do not want to mention about Isaac anymore. I am really grateful that I have such a wonderful friend by my side. We finished up our food and I offered to send Amy back. We walked back to the car, humming our favorite song together. It was around 1730 when I send Amy back. We gave each other a hug and said goodbye.
I never knew that THE day would come to me so fast. My doctor called my family and I to meet him at his clinic. He told us that the medicines that I’m taking now no longer have effect on me. He recommends me to undergo chemotherapy which I always rejected. He asked us to prepare because things would get worse. My parents and my other siblings kept quiet all the way back home. Maybe they just can’t accept this. I tried my best to convince them that things will be all right. There may be a new kind of medicine that will be invented tomorrow or next week for me. Or maybe that thing in my head will disappear the next morning when I wake up. Nothing is impossible. I talked a lot in the car throughout the journey. My mom smiled at me, and my sisters and brother trying to make fun out of what I’ve said. I knew that things would never be the same from today…
Part 3
At last, our final exam has come. Having quite a bit of confidence, I walked in to the exam hall, looking around for Amy. We always sit near to each other during exam. And there she is. I spotted her, sitting next to the window and she has reserved the seat in front of her for me. I put down my bag and unload my stationeries from the pencil case. The clock shows 11pm and the examiner announced that we may begin. I was excited to see some familiar question in that paper. Ok. This time, I really hope that I will score well. I read the questions, scanning through the multiple-choice answers and circling the answers.
Suddenly I feel that my nose is like a bit wet. I pulled out a piece of tissue paper from my pocket and wipe my nose. I saw blood on it. I got a shock. I quickly raise my hand to signal that I want to go to the washroom. I cover my nose and quickly walk out from the hall. I looked around in the washroom to see whether there’s anyone there or not. No. I locked the door and quickly wash the blood away. This is the symptom of the rejection of the medicine, as what the doctor has told me. I tilt my head backwards trying to stop the blood. After a while, the blood has stop. I walked back into the hall. On the way back into the hall, I came across Isaac. He was standing in the hallway, waiting for his friends. He smiled at me and he opened his mouth to say something to me, but I quickly walked away.
I went back to my seat and tried to concentrate at the paper. 30 minutes left. I tried to finish up all the questions as quickly as I can. Times up. The examiners start collecting our answer sheet. I managed to circle the last answer on the sheet before the examiner reach my seat. I turned behind and gave Amy a wink. As we walked out from the hall, I told her that I am in a hurry to get back home. I gave her a hug and told her that I’ll call her tonight. I jogged slightly down the hallway. When I reach my car, I saw Isaac standing there. He greets me and asked me whether I’m free for a drink or not. I told him that I’m busy and asked him to stop asking me out. Yes, I know. It’s another mean attitude towards him. But that’s the only way to make him give up on me.
He gives way for me to get into my car. He looks at me as I drive past him. I am sorry for making you this way. I am really sorry, Isaac.
Right after I reach home, the first thing that I thought of is to get some food to shut my growling stomach up. When I walked into the kitchen, my sister looked at me with her eyes wide open. Then she put her finger over her nose. I followed what she did and I noticed that there’s blood coming out from the nose, again. I dropped my bag on the floor and grabbed some tissue to wipe it off. Then I twisted some tissue and stuck it up my nose. I tried to make fun of that thing in my nose. Trying to make my little sister laugh at me, but she was too shocked. She helped me to clean up the mess that I’ve made.
Now let me introduce my little sister to you. She’s 18 this year. Yes I know, she’s no longer a baby girl, and I shouldn’t call her little…but she is really quite little in term of her size. She’s a petite girl with a sweet smile and a beautiful black long hair. She loves it when I call her little sister. She said the way I call her made her feel so pampered. Lavina is an independent girl. She knows that my parents are always busy with their work, and so she tend to keep herself out of trouble so that we won’t be worrying over her. And of course, she knew about my sickness and she always told me that she’d take care of everything whenever I don’t feel well. As a sister of hers’, I am really proud of her.
Another sister, Lyn, who’s older than me by two years are now working in a physiotherapy centre. She has just graduated from her course. During her graduation ceremony, our whole family was there and we took a family photo with the bright blue sky as the background and the fresh green grass on the ground. That’s my favorite picture of all. Everyone looks good in it. Lyn is a wonderful sister to me. She always help me in my chores and sometimes, in my homework. (Grinning).
And yes, I have another brother. Mike. He’s 25 years old. 4 years older than me. My brother is working in the fashion design line since his graduation. I love to see his creation. It’s so beautiful that sometimes, I asked him to let me wear his creation. There was once I helped him out to model his clothes. It was quite an experience. I get to learn a lot from there. Posing for a photography shoot is not as easy as what everyone thinks.
All right, that’s all about my siblings whom I’m proud of. My parents both came back at the same time later that evening. My dad suggested that we should have a pizza night out. All of us cheer to it and we quickly get change. The radio was playing a song by Taylor Swift, Love Story. My sisters and I sang along. My dad teased us about our singing. We laughed all the way to the Domino’s. I really like it when there’s a family night out. We can get to understand each other more and our bonding will be stronger.
The nosebleed incident that happened earlier, I told Lavina not to tell others. I don’t want them to get worried. She agrees to keep it as a secret. A secret between us. I felt kind of stuffy in the restaurant and so I excuse myself to get some fresh air outside. I walked outside the restaurant, kicking the pebbles on the ground. I was looking at the ground until I bump into a guy. I lifted my head and I saw Isaac. I turned around trying to ignore him but he grabbed me by my arm. I tried to pull away but I couldn’t. So I just stand there waiting for him to release my arm but I don’t dare to face him.
He pulled me close to him. I can smell his scent. Scents that always make me feel safe and protected. I hold my self from bursting out in tears. I hold myself from trembling. He whispered to me, asking me how could I do this to him and myself. I stay in silence. He then let go of me. He knew that no matter what he say, I will not listen because once I’ve made a decision, I will not pull it back. I turned around and walked back into the restaurant. I put a wide smile on my face when I sit down. My parents knew that I’ve already broke up with Isaac and they thought that there were really problems between us. They didn’t ask me much about our relationship. The pizzas that we ordered were served. As usual, Mike and Lavina like to pick up all the pineapples on the pizza. We joke and laughed throughout our dinner.
That night when we went back home, I found a letter sticking on my room’s window. I knew it’s from Isaac base on the handwriting. I opened the letter and read it.
“Dear Moon,
I called your handphone and you didn’t pick it up. I know that you’re still angry with me. So I’ve decided to write you this letter.
Moon, can you tell me what I’ve done that make you feel so upset towards me? (You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re the best person that I’ve ever met, that I truly love). I am really sorry for not realizing my mistakes. (No Isaac, it’s not your mistake. It’s mine.) Can you give me another chance to be with you again? I swear I will not make you feel the same way you do now. I swear that I’ll change myself. Please, Moon, please forgive me.
With all my heart to you,
Isaac”
I bring the letter close to me. I cried after reading the letter. I really don’t know that my decision will make Isaac to blame himself and be so sad. God, what should I do now? I can’t let him know about my sickness. He will be more hurt that way. I sat at the corner of my room, hugging myself and rocking back and forth. What should I do now? Who can I talk to? Sister? No, I don’t want them to be worried. Amy? No. I sat there for the whole night. Holding that piece of letter in my hand.
The sun was out, changing shift with the stars and the moon that have been lighting up the sky all night. Sitting there the whole night has made my legs a bit numb. I walked slowly towards the bathroom. Walking very carefully because I can feel a bit of dizziness. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and took a warm bath. I changed into a new pair of clothes and tell myself that here’s another day I must face.
My parents went out to work early today. I peek at the kitchen table and see no sign of my breakfast. I took the car key from the key hanger by the door. I was dressed in a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt pulled over it. I felt cold the whole morning even though the sun is shining brightly out there. I drove to the food stall nearby my house and bought a take-away sandwich and a cup of hot chocolate. I ate my sandwich in the campus parking lot. Listening to the Light and Easy radio channel, I close my eyes, trying to relax myself. I really wish that time could just stop here. My handphone alarm ring and I opened my eyes. I put away the food packages and took my bag. I walked to the class as usual, with a slow pace. Maybe because I did not sleep last night, now I can feel a bit of dizzy. I walked down the hallway holding the railing bars at the side. I look so like an old lady walking. With nearly all my weight was supported by the bar, I dragged myself to the class. I can see white flashes of light and I thought its just some students playing with the mirrors reflect. Then suddenly everything went blank…
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