Our VGC activity ends on 6th July. I didn't manage write on that day because my car broke down at Jln Pudu and end up, I only manage to come back at around 12 something am. SO bad luck. And the next day I got exam.
Then for the first SVL also, I didn't manage to write an entry here because the following day i have an exam. For the First SVL class, we have learned, alphabets, numbers, people, occupations and the days of the week. At first it was kind of tiring because our fingers were not use to it. But as we practice, our fingers gets better and better.
Now for thesecond SVL class, we had learned signing for time, money, animals,colors and pronouns (I, you, yours, we, all, yourself). It was quite a fun activity as usual.
Our class seems to be getting smaller and smaller. For yesterday, there's only 6 of us. maybe they're busy with their things so they didn't come, I don't know. :-)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
41 - VGC (4th session)
The traffic was quite smooth today. it took me only 35 mins to reach Brickfields. Since I was early, I lepak in the Shiok Cafe. I ordered a mushroom soup and garlic breads. then later, Sri joined me. We chat quite a bit about brickfield's environment and the traffic. haha....
TOday, there's only 7 of us in the class and our instructor was Esther. She was a nice person and funny. LOL.
We learned to describe colors today. Rupa-rupanya the Deaf describe colors through objects's representation. for example, red, they will show the apple/blood/the lips. It was quite interesting.
We also did some revision on the last class by playing some games. It sounds easy, but actually no. The first part was a drawing game. Esther showed us the gesture and we were required to draw it out. i get 5/9 correct. not bad huh...haha...
Then we played Kim's game. We were divided into 2 groups and each group will send a representative to see the object Esther show. Then we need to describe the object. It was quite fun. A lot like charades. :-)
we did a flashcard game as well. We needd to show the facial exxpressions. FUnny game. And there's also one creative game. Esther pass around a piece of red cloth, then we ned to try to come out with a creative idea on how to use that piece of cloth. Later, she pass around a drum stick..everyone did very well in this.
As usual, i Am looking forward for the next session. =)
TOday, there's only 7 of us in the class and our instructor was Esther. She was a nice person and funny. LOL.
We learned to describe colors today. Rupa-rupanya the Deaf describe colors through objects's representation. for example, red, they will show the apple/blood/the lips. It was quite interesting.
We also did some revision on the last class by playing some games. It sounds easy, but actually no. The first part was a drawing game. Esther showed us the gesture and we were required to draw it out. i get 5/9 correct. not bad huh...haha...
Then we played Kim's game. We were divided into 2 groups and each group will send a representative to see the object Esther show. Then we need to describe the object. It was quite fun. A lot like charades. :-)
we did a flashcard game as well. We needd to show the facial exxpressions. FUnny game. And there's also one creative game. Esther pass around a piece of red cloth, then we ned to try to come out with a creative idea on how to use that piece of cloth. Later, she pass around a drum stick..everyone did very well in this.
As usual, i Am looking forward for the next session. =)
40 - H.E.A.R.T (part1) -another story
Another story that I am working on now...
*****************************************************************************
The moment when you keep mentioning her name, my heart was really aching. Why? AM I not as good as her? Do you really know her that well that you can fall in love with her just like that?
I don’t know whether to tell you about her or not, I scared that you will think I’m jealous…. which I actually am.
Deep down in my heart, I wanted to tell you how I feel about you all these while, but I just can’t open my mouth to say it out. Am I being stupid or what? Can my heart really take it if you really were together with her? Everyday, I will be sitting with you and listen to all you stories about her. Last night, I fell down from the stairs and my hands and legs were full of bruises. You didn’t even notice about it. You use to take care of me so much. But now, you didn’t even notice me.
Evy was sitting under the tree, staring at her lunch box. These few days, she didn’t really eat her meal properly. Either she kept vomiting after eating the food, or she will just tell her dad that she had taken her meal before she got back home. She has also got insomnia that made her looks very restless the day after.
Her feeling towards her childhood friend has developed into a feeling where she dare not express it to him. This has made her very worried over it. She realized that James has hanged out with her not as often as last time. She realizes that she was actually quite dependent on him in many things. These few days, Evy keep waking up late for classes because James don’t wake her up anymore in the morning because he need to fetch Ginny from her house. He was too busy with Ginny that he didn’t realized that he’s actually ignoring Evy.
Evy is an average girl who is very friendly and sporting. Evy was brought up by her father only because her parents had divorced when she was very young. She and James have been friends since they’re 7 years old. James always helps out Evy when she has a problem. And without James’ knowing, Evy has actually fell in love with him since 2 years ago when James saved Evy from drowning.
Now both of them are 22 years old, studying in a same university and took the same course, they had actually grew less closer. Many people has been wondering, isn’t it should be the other way round? Shouldn’t they be closer? But no. James is very busy chasing after Ginny that his relationship with Evy has grew apart. They still sit together in the lecture hall but James always talks about what he did with Ginny the day before to Evy. Evy can just sit there and listen to all the stories and with an aching heart in her.
One day, Evy had decided not to be so dependent on James anymore and she had tried to avoid James as much as she could. Everyone around her can see that she’s trying to avoid James, but James did not notice it at all. Poor Evy. She has to bear all these pain by herself. 3 days after she starts avoiding, James called her on her handphone. He did not even ask about Evy’s well-being and straight away tell her that he and Ginny are together now. At that moment, Evy can only grip hard on the phone and try to stay as calm as she could. After a while, she excuse herself from the call and she hang up. She covered herself with her blanket and start crying. She really can’t control it at all. She felt so heart broken deep inside. She thought that she could let him go, but no. She can’t. Now Evy is in a dilemma. She don’t know whether to tell James about what she heard from Ginny or just let James to find out by himself. She thinks about this all night and at last, she has decided to let James know. She doesn’t want her friend to be betrayed and get heart broken.
The next morning, Evy called James and ask him to see her in the cake house near the school before the class start. James agreed and later they meet up. Right after James order his drink, Evy start telling James what she heard Ginny and her friends said at the university. Ginny was actually on a dare to court James. Right after James ask her to be his girlfriend, she will leave him.
James just keeps quiet when he hears this. He stares at Evy as if he’s trying to read her mind. Then James said, “ Evy, are you jealous because I am with Ginny and I did not spend much time with you anymore? How can you say this? Since when you like to talk bad about other people? Do you expect me to believe you?”
Evy was stunned. She couldn’t believe that James said this to her. James was the second person in this world that knows her well. Evy just stay in silence, looking away from James. She doesn’t want James to see her teary eyes. “I think we should stop meeting up until you’ve get your mind straight.” James walked away without looking back.
A week after that, Evy did not see James anywhere in sight. Now she knows that James has actually trying to avoid her. Evy could not do anything about it. She tried to call James but Ginny picked up the call and always says that James was away. She knows that James must have told her about it. She doesn’t sounds very friendly on the phone.
On the Friday evening, Evy and her friends have gone out for shopping. Evy was waiting by the roadside when Ginny walk towards her. The first thing Ginny did was slap Evy on her face. “How can you tell James about that. Can’t you just mind your own business? Who is he to you? Your boyfriend? Why do you want to care so much? You nearly spoil my plan in this. I am warning you to stay away and mind your own business. I don’t care what you want to tell James, but wait until I’m finish with my plan first. UNDERSTAND?”
At that moment, Evy just felt like slapping her for saying so. How can she do this to James when James loves her so much? But before she manage to do anything, Ginny pushed her backwards as a sign of warning, but this push was too strong that Evy was pushed to the busy road. Evy tries to get back to the side, but it was too late. An oncoming car came, honking from far. Evy was looking at the car with her mouth wide open, all the passer by were too shocked to do anything. Everything happens so fast.
*****************************************************************************
The moment when you keep mentioning her name, my heart was really aching. Why? AM I not as good as her? Do you really know her that well that you can fall in love with her just like that?
I don’t know whether to tell you about her or not, I scared that you will think I’m jealous…. which I actually am.
Deep down in my heart, I wanted to tell you how I feel about you all these while, but I just can’t open my mouth to say it out. Am I being stupid or what? Can my heart really take it if you really were together with her? Everyday, I will be sitting with you and listen to all you stories about her. Last night, I fell down from the stairs and my hands and legs were full of bruises. You didn’t even notice about it. You use to take care of me so much. But now, you didn’t even notice me.
Evy was sitting under the tree, staring at her lunch box. These few days, she didn’t really eat her meal properly. Either she kept vomiting after eating the food, or she will just tell her dad that she had taken her meal before she got back home. She has also got insomnia that made her looks very restless the day after.
Her feeling towards her childhood friend has developed into a feeling where she dare not express it to him. This has made her very worried over it. She realized that James has hanged out with her not as often as last time. She realizes that she was actually quite dependent on him in many things. These few days, Evy keep waking up late for classes because James don’t wake her up anymore in the morning because he need to fetch Ginny from her house. He was too busy with Ginny that he didn’t realized that he’s actually ignoring Evy.
Evy is an average girl who is very friendly and sporting. Evy was brought up by her father only because her parents had divorced when she was very young. She and James have been friends since they’re 7 years old. James always helps out Evy when she has a problem. And without James’ knowing, Evy has actually fell in love with him since 2 years ago when James saved Evy from drowning.
Now both of them are 22 years old, studying in a same university and took the same course, they had actually grew less closer. Many people has been wondering, isn’t it should be the other way round? Shouldn’t they be closer? But no. James is very busy chasing after Ginny that his relationship with Evy has grew apart. They still sit together in the lecture hall but James always talks about what he did with Ginny the day before to Evy. Evy can just sit there and listen to all the stories and with an aching heart in her.
One day, Evy had decided not to be so dependent on James anymore and she had tried to avoid James as much as she could. Everyone around her can see that she’s trying to avoid James, but James did not notice it at all. Poor Evy. She has to bear all these pain by herself. 3 days after she starts avoiding, James called her on her handphone. He did not even ask about Evy’s well-being and straight away tell her that he and Ginny are together now. At that moment, Evy can only grip hard on the phone and try to stay as calm as she could. After a while, she excuse herself from the call and she hang up. She covered herself with her blanket and start crying. She really can’t control it at all. She felt so heart broken deep inside. She thought that she could let him go, but no. She can’t. Now Evy is in a dilemma. She don’t know whether to tell James about what she heard from Ginny or just let James to find out by himself. She thinks about this all night and at last, she has decided to let James know. She doesn’t want her friend to be betrayed and get heart broken.
The next morning, Evy called James and ask him to see her in the cake house near the school before the class start. James agreed and later they meet up. Right after James order his drink, Evy start telling James what she heard Ginny and her friends said at the university. Ginny was actually on a dare to court James. Right after James ask her to be his girlfriend, she will leave him.
James just keeps quiet when he hears this. He stares at Evy as if he’s trying to read her mind. Then James said, “ Evy, are you jealous because I am with Ginny and I did not spend much time with you anymore? How can you say this? Since when you like to talk bad about other people? Do you expect me to believe you?”
Evy was stunned. She couldn’t believe that James said this to her. James was the second person in this world that knows her well. Evy just stay in silence, looking away from James. She doesn’t want James to see her teary eyes. “I think we should stop meeting up until you’ve get your mind straight.” James walked away without looking back.
A week after that, Evy did not see James anywhere in sight. Now she knows that James has actually trying to avoid her. Evy could not do anything about it. She tried to call James but Ginny picked up the call and always says that James was away. She knows that James must have told her about it. She doesn’t sounds very friendly on the phone.
On the Friday evening, Evy and her friends have gone out for shopping. Evy was waiting by the roadside when Ginny walk towards her. The first thing Ginny did was slap Evy on her face. “How can you tell James about that. Can’t you just mind your own business? Who is he to you? Your boyfriend? Why do you want to care so much? You nearly spoil my plan in this. I am warning you to stay away and mind your own business. I don’t care what you want to tell James, but wait until I’m finish with my plan first. UNDERSTAND?”
At that moment, Evy just felt like slapping her for saying so. How can she do this to James when James loves her so much? But before she manage to do anything, Ginny pushed her backwards as a sign of warning, but this push was too strong that Evy was pushed to the busy road. Evy tries to get back to the side, but it was too late. An oncoming car came, honking from far. Evy was looking at the car with her mouth wide open, all the passer by were too shocked to do anything. Everything happens so fast.
Monday, June 29, 2009
39 - Visual Gesture Course (3rd session)
Today the traffic was quite smooth. Not to say there's not many car, there is, it's just that those cars were moving unlike last week, stuck at one spot. LOL.
Today we learned to describe shapes. We described 1D, 2D, and 3D shapes. Then we described textures and also haird. All using gestures. It was quite fun. There's copy and paste gesture as well. haha....really didn't know that we can apply that action when we want to show repeated patterns.
There were 8 of us today in the class including Josephine. There's one part where we were given flashcards and we need to describe the item or shape on the card using gestures. Some of the actions were quite tough. but after a few round of practice, it became quit smooth.
We learned a few signs today.
Remember: both hands show the thumb. then the LH put it infront of us and the RH at the side of our forehead. Then our RH thumb touch the LH thumb. and this means remember. Unique right...
Understand: Hold our Rh in a fist and place it at th side of our head, at the same level as our forehead. Then then raise the finger next to the thumb...it ives us a bit of the 'light bulb' sign feeling.. :-D
Easy: Place both hand with the palm facing you in front of you. then brush your RH palm against the back of your LH (brush along the finger's length)
Sign language is really an interesting and unique language. Hope that the following class will be more fun. :-D
As usual, I will be lookin forward for the next class.
Today we learned to describe shapes. We described 1D, 2D, and 3D shapes. Then we described textures and also haird. All using gestures. It was quite fun. There's copy and paste gesture as well. haha....really didn't know that we can apply that action when we want to show repeated patterns.
There were 8 of us today in the class including Josephine. There's one part where we were given flashcards and we need to describe the item or shape on the card using gestures. Some of the actions were quite tough. but after a few round of practice, it became quit smooth.
We learned a few signs today.
Remember: both hands show the thumb. then the LH put it infront of us and the RH at the side of our forehead. Then our RH thumb touch the LH thumb. and this means remember. Unique right...
Understand: Hold our Rh in a fist and place it at th side of our head, at the same level as our forehead. Then then raise the finger next to the thumb...it ives us a bit of the 'light bulb' sign feeling.. :-D
Easy: Place both hand with the palm facing you in front of you. then brush your RH palm against the back of your LH (brush along the finger's length)
Sign language is really an interesting and unique language. Hope that the following class will be more fun. :-D
As usual, I will be lookin forward for the next class.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
38 - Sleep~~ (theStarOnline, Health, June 24th, 2009)
Getting some sleep
THE DOCTOR SAYS
A look at ways to manage insomnia.
THE body rests and recovers from previous activities during sleep. Normal sleep comprises cycles of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) and rapid eye movement (REM). NREM sleep is followed by REM sleep, which occurs four to five times during the usual eight-hour sleep period.
The first REM period of the night may be last less than 10 minutes, while the last may exceed an hour. The NREM and REM cycles vary in length from 70 to 100 minutes initially, to 90 to 120 minutes later in the night.
Restful: Normal adults need six to 10 hours of sleep.
During the first third of the night, deep NREM sleep predominates, while REM sleep predominates in the last third of the night. REM sleep takes up 20% to 25% of total sleep time.
Insomnia
Insomnia refers to the disturbance of a normal sleep pattern. The different types of insomnia are:
·Difficulty getting to sleep (sleep onset insomnia) which is most common in young people.
·Waking up in the night which is most common in older people.
·Waking up early in the morning, which is least common.
·Not feeling refreshed after sleeping, leading to irritability, tiredness and difficulty concentrating during the day.
·Waking up due to disturbances such as noise or pain.
The duration of insomnia varies. It may be:
·Transient, lasting two to three days
·Short-term, lasting more than a few days, but less than three weeks
·Chronic, that is, it occurs on most nights for three weeks or more.
Everyone has experienced insomnia. It is generally accepted that about one-third of the population has insomnia.
How much sleep?
The need for sleep varies with age. A newborn may sleep 16 to 20 hours, and an infant 12 to 14 hours. Toddlers may sleep 10 hours or more. Primary schoolchildren need nine to 10 hours of sleep, while normal adults need six to 10 hours of sleep.
It takes an adult about 10 to 20 minutes to fall asleep. Most of those who have less than five to six hours of sleep are probably not getting enough sleep.
After a good sleep, a person would feel refreshed on waking and can stay alert throughout the day, without the need for naps or sleeping in on weekends.
Symptoms and causes
The symptoms of insomnia vary. They include lying awake for a long period at night prior to sleeping, waking up several times at night, waking up early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep, feeling tired and not refreshed, inability to function properly during the day, and feeling irritable.
The causes of insomnia:
·Physiological: working at night, light, noise, snoring, partner’s movements, and jet lag.
·Medical: pain or discomfort caused by arthritis, headaches, back pain, menopausal hot flushes, gastrointestinal disorders and pruritus (excessive itching).
·Psychological and psychiatric: examination stress, work worries, relationship problems, anxiety, depression, bereavement and dementia.
·Sleep disorders: sleep apnoea and sleep walking.
·Medicines: antidepressants, appetite suppressants, beta-blockers, corticosteroids and decongestants.
·Alcohol.
Management
Consult a doctor. He will look into the history of your condition and conduct a physical examination. The doctor will enquire about your sleeping routines, previous and current medical conditions, psychological or psychiatric conditions, if any, consumption of caffeine, medicines and alcohol, substance abuse including narcotic drugs, diet and exercise. The cause may be detected through this approach in many instances.
If the cause is not obvious, the doctor will ask for a sleep diary to be kept. This involves recording the time when one goes to sleep, when one wakes up in the morning and when one wakes up at night.
A referral to a specialist may be necessary if the cause is still not obvious. Laboratory tests and polysomnography may be carried out. The latter is used in the diagnosis of sleep apnoea and sleep disorders. This involves recording many parameters when one is asleep, including brain electrical activity; movements of the eye, jaw and leg muscles; and heart and lung functions. The doctor will discuss with the patient prior to any videotaping which may be considered necessary.
Once a diagnosis of the underlying condition has been made, the cause will be treated. For example, if the cause is anxiety or depression, the problem will go away once it is treated.
General measures which do not involve the use of medicines are preferred. It may involve counselling if the insomnia is due to stress or bereavement. Cognitive behavioural therapy which involves changes in thinking and behavioural patterns is useful. Measures like limiting caffeine or alcohol intake, exercise and keeping to a regular sleep routine are helpful.
Sleeping pills may be considered by the doctor for severe or short-term insomnia if general measures do not work. Doctors are usually reluctant to prescribe sleeping pills as they relieve the symptoms but do not address the underlying cause. An individual can also become dependent on sleeping pills, which are not without side effects.
Many of the sleeping pills available belong to a group of medicines called benzodiazepines which require a doctor’s prescription. Benzodiazepines are anxiolytics and hypnotics, that is, they reduce anxiety and promote calmness and sleep. Benzodiazepines can lead to dependence and side effects like a hangover and drowsiness during the day. This can lead to accidents when driving. Examples of benzodiazepines include lormetazepam and temazepam.
The short-acting “Z-pills” that is, zopiclone and zolpidem, act on the same receptors as benzodiazepines but are not classified as such because their molecular structures are different. They were initially thought to be less addictive and habit forming than benzodiazepines but this view has changed with reports of addiction in the past few years. The side effects are similar to benzodiazepines.
The lowest possible dose of sleeping pills should be taken for the shortest possible time. One should only take them under medical supervision. There is no place for self-medication. Do not stop intake abruptly as this may cause withdrawal effects. The doctor’s advice is crucial here.
Melatonin is a hormone that is involved in the regulation of the sleep cycle or circadian rhythm. It is a short-term medicine for insomnia and cannot be consumed for more than three weeks. Although side effects are uncommon, they include dizziness, migraines, irritability, constipation and abdominal discomfort.
Getting good sleep
Getting a good night’s sleep is vital. This can be achieved by various means:
·Having a routine facilitates sound sleep. This means going to bed and getting up at about the same time every day. It is important to relax before getting into bed as activity just before bedtime may keep one awake.
·Having an early dinner helps. The digestive system goes to sleep at about 7 o’clock. A light dinner is helpful.
·Avoid caffeine after lunch as caffeine keeps one awake.
·Avoid alcohol as its breakdown produces chemicals that stimulate the individual. It also increases the likelihood of snoring as it relaxes the muscles. This leads to lighter and less refreshing sleep.
·Avoid naps. The afternoon nap may keep one awake at night.
·Avoid light. This is because melatonin, the hormone that helps a person sleep, is produced in the dark.
Dr Milton Lum is a member of the board of Medical Defence Malaysia. This article is not intended to replace, dictate or define evaluation by a qualified doctor. The views expressed do not represent that of any organisation the writer is associated with.
THE DOCTOR SAYS
A look at ways to manage insomnia.
THE body rests and recovers from previous activities during sleep. Normal sleep comprises cycles of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) and rapid eye movement (REM). NREM sleep is followed by REM sleep, which occurs four to five times during the usual eight-hour sleep period.
The first REM period of the night may be last less than 10 minutes, while the last may exceed an hour. The NREM and REM cycles vary in length from 70 to 100 minutes initially, to 90 to 120 minutes later in the night.
Restful: Normal adults need six to 10 hours of sleep.
During the first third of the night, deep NREM sleep predominates, while REM sleep predominates in the last third of the night. REM sleep takes up 20% to 25% of total sleep time.
Insomnia
Insomnia refers to the disturbance of a normal sleep pattern. The different types of insomnia are:
·Difficulty getting to sleep (sleep onset insomnia) which is most common in young people.
·Waking up in the night which is most common in older people.
·Waking up early in the morning, which is least common.
·Not feeling refreshed after sleeping, leading to irritability, tiredness and difficulty concentrating during the day.
·Waking up due to disturbances such as noise or pain.
The duration of insomnia varies. It may be:
·Transient, lasting two to three days
·Short-term, lasting more than a few days, but less than three weeks
·Chronic, that is, it occurs on most nights for three weeks or more.
Everyone has experienced insomnia. It is generally accepted that about one-third of the population has insomnia.
How much sleep?
The need for sleep varies with age. A newborn may sleep 16 to 20 hours, and an infant 12 to 14 hours. Toddlers may sleep 10 hours or more. Primary schoolchildren need nine to 10 hours of sleep, while normal adults need six to 10 hours of sleep.
It takes an adult about 10 to 20 minutes to fall asleep. Most of those who have less than five to six hours of sleep are probably not getting enough sleep.
After a good sleep, a person would feel refreshed on waking and can stay alert throughout the day, without the need for naps or sleeping in on weekends.
Symptoms and causes
The symptoms of insomnia vary. They include lying awake for a long period at night prior to sleeping, waking up several times at night, waking up early in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep, feeling tired and not refreshed, inability to function properly during the day, and feeling irritable.
The causes of insomnia:
·Physiological: working at night, light, noise, snoring, partner’s movements, and jet lag.
·Medical: pain or discomfort caused by arthritis, headaches, back pain, menopausal hot flushes, gastrointestinal disorders and pruritus (excessive itching).
·Psychological and psychiatric: examination stress, work worries, relationship problems, anxiety, depression, bereavement and dementia.
·Sleep disorders: sleep apnoea and sleep walking.
·Medicines: antidepressants, appetite suppressants, beta-blockers, corticosteroids and decongestants.
·Alcohol.
Management
Consult a doctor. He will look into the history of your condition and conduct a physical examination. The doctor will enquire about your sleeping routines, previous and current medical conditions, psychological or psychiatric conditions, if any, consumption of caffeine, medicines and alcohol, substance abuse including narcotic drugs, diet and exercise. The cause may be detected through this approach in many instances.
If the cause is not obvious, the doctor will ask for a sleep diary to be kept. This involves recording the time when one goes to sleep, when one wakes up in the morning and when one wakes up at night.
A referral to a specialist may be necessary if the cause is still not obvious. Laboratory tests and polysomnography may be carried out. The latter is used in the diagnosis of sleep apnoea and sleep disorders. This involves recording many parameters when one is asleep, including brain electrical activity; movements of the eye, jaw and leg muscles; and heart and lung functions. The doctor will discuss with the patient prior to any videotaping which may be considered necessary.
Once a diagnosis of the underlying condition has been made, the cause will be treated. For example, if the cause is anxiety or depression, the problem will go away once it is treated.
General measures which do not involve the use of medicines are preferred. It may involve counselling if the insomnia is due to stress or bereavement. Cognitive behavioural therapy which involves changes in thinking and behavioural patterns is useful. Measures like limiting caffeine or alcohol intake, exercise and keeping to a regular sleep routine are helpful.
Sleeping pills may be considered by the doctor for severe or short-term insomnia if general measures do not work. Doctors are usually reluctant to prescribe sleeping pills as they relieve the symptoms but do not address the underlying cause. An individual can also become dependent on sleeping pills, which are not without side effects.
Many of the sleeping pills available belong to a group of medicines called benzodiazepines which require a doctor’s prescription. Benzodiazepines are anxiolytics and hypnotics, that is, they reduce anxiety and promote calmness and sleep. Benzodiazepines can lead to dependence and side effects like a hangover and drowsiness during the day. This can lead to accidents when driving. Examples of benzodiazepines include lormetazepam and temazepam.
The short-acting “Z-pills” that is, zopiclone and zolpidem, act on the same receptors as benzodiazepines but are not classified as such because their molecular structures are different. They were initially thought to be less addictive and habit forming than benzodiazepines but this view has changed with reports of addiction in the past few years. The side effects are similar to benzodiazepines.
The lowest possible dose of sleeping pills should be taken for the shortest possible time. One should only take them under medical supervision. There is no place for self-medication. Do not stop intake abruptly as this may cause withdrawal effects. The doctor’s advice is crucial here.
Melatonin is a hormone that is involved in the regulation of the sleep cycle or circadian rhythm. It is a short-term medicine for insomnia and cannot be consumed for more than three weeks. Although side effects are uncommon, they include dizziness, migraines, irritability, constipation and abdominal discomfort.
Getting good sleep
Getting a good night’s sleep is vital. This can be achieved by various means:
·Having a routine facilitates sound sleep. This means going to bed and getting up at about the same time every day. It is important to relax before getting into bed as activity just before bedtime may keep one awake.
·Having an early dinner helps. The digestive system goes to sleep at about 7 o’clock. A light dinner is helpful.
·Avoid caffeine after lunch as caffeine keeps one awake.
·Avoid alcohol as its breakdown produces chemicals that stimulate the individual. It also increases the likelihood of snoring as it relaxes the muscles. This leads to lighter and less refreshing sleep.
·Avoid naps. The afternoon nap may keep one awake at night.
·Avoid light. This is because melatonin, the hormone that helps a person sleep, is produced in the dark.
Dr Milton Lum is a member of the board of Medical Defence Malaysia. This article is not intended to replace, dictate or define evaluation by a qualified doctor. The views expressed do not represent that of any organisation the writer is associated with.
37 - BSL (2nd session)
Gosh...it was raining cats and dogs in the evening today (hmmm i wonder why its cats and dogs..haha). It took me around 1 hour 30 mins to reach YMCA today and i was late 30 mins for the class..haihz~~~
Today's class was more on introduction of SL. It was quite fun. We learned about the SL background, the sign name, then about the dominant and passive hand. There's this new girl in the class, she was very participative...that's good...we can learn from the questions she asked. Overall, again, its amazing and i will be looking forward for next week =)
Today's class was more on introduction of SL. It was quite fun. We learned about the SL background, the sign name, then about the dominant and passive hand. There's this new girl in the class, she was very participative...that's good...we can learn from the questions she asked. Overall, again, its amazing and i will be looking forward for next week =)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
36 - Sign language course (1st session0
220609
Today was my first day of class for the sign language course at YMCA. We had a self-introductory session. No Spoken language and no writing for this session. We were required to use our drawing, body gesture, hands movement and facial expression to introduce ourself and give a brief background on our family members. It was an interesting session. Before this, I had never done something like this and it was really new to me. All of us keep laughing when we see some unfamiliar yet funny actions.
I had learned something new today as well. For the deaf, when we give an applause, they will not be able to hear it. So in order to let them know that we're clapping our hands, we raise our hand with open palms and shake our hand... it was quite interesting.
I can't imagine if I was to live in a world of silence. Through out the class, it was really very quiet. TIme is ticking but we don't seem to notice it. Is it because of the activity or because of the quietness of the room???
The participants in this course were all working adults and there were 3 Korean girls there too. I wonder why they're here and were they working or studying. I'll find it out next session i think. :-)
I amreally looking forward for the Wed session. I wonder what'll we'll be learning. And other thatn that, I really did not expect to be assess in this course like in Uni. We were required to do a quiz, writen test, and assignments....gosh...hahhahahaah...But I think it'll worth my efforts....
Today was my first day of class for the sign language course at YMCA. We had a self-introductory session. No Spoken language and no writing for this session. We were required to use our drawing, body gesture, hands movement and facial expression to introduce ourself and give a brief background on our family members. It was an interesting session. Before this, I had never done something like this and it was really new to me. All of us keep laughing when we see some unfamiliar yet funny actions.
I had learned something new today as well. For the deaf, when we give an applause, they will not be able to hear it. So in order to let them know that we're clapping our hands, we raise our hand with open palms and shake our hand... it was quite interesting.
I can't imagine if I was to live in a world of silence. Through out the class, it was really very quiet. TIme is ticking but we don't seem to notice it. Is it because of the activity or because of the quietness of the room???
The participants in this course were all working adults and there were 3 Korean girls there too. I wonder why they're here and were they working or studying. I'll find it out next session i think. :-)
I amreally looking forward for the Wed session. I wonder what'll we'll be learning. And other thatn that, I really did not expect to be assess in this course like in Uni. We were required to do a quiz, writen test, and assignments....gosh...hahhahahaah...But I think it'll worth my efforts....
Thursday, June 4, 2009
35 - Upcoming presentation
coming Monday (8th June) will be my presentation day for PSY 220. I know that its only a 2 minutes presentation which is way much shorter and easier compared to the MC100, but i am feeling kind of nervous each time i thought about it. Can someone give me some hint on how to present it well and how do I overcome my nervousness. GOSH!!! Is it because I am worried about the feedback that others will give to me? I just don't know.
I am now having a mix feeling of nervous, happy, excited as well as scared. (calm down, calm down)....
Hope I can do this presentation well...
I am now having a mix feeling of nervous, happy, excited as well as scared. (calm down, calm down)....
Hope I can do this presentation well...
Monday, May 18, 2009
34 - Results~~(my view and thoughts)
Got my result for my last sem's subject....as expected...C+(65-69) for both.....My overall results for first year was not excellent..but I am satisfied with it. I don't really set a high expectation for myself in academic studies all these while. Because??
1) i know my own capability (lol....poor memory)
2) the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment...
3) I think that academic results on a piece of paper will not proof everything. So by doing average will be good enough for me.
4) I'm kind of lazy (need to improve myself in this. Time management is what I'm going to focus on this sem. I'll try my best for it)
*************************************
Some people may want to strive the best in their academic studies but wouldn't it be stressing yourself up? For me, yes. The thing I don't like. Being stress all the time. I love carefree life. Not to say I don't want stress at all, but not stress from my studies Studying for me is to add knowledge to ourselves, to search what we want and what we're striving for. If we stress up ourself too much in this, will we be able to enjoy the whole process of studying? (Ask yourself this)
**************************************
The things I wish to achieve this sem:
- Perform better than before for my presentation (improve me nervousness)
- Discipline myself~~~ (time management)
- Complete my assignments~~ (of course I must)
- Find out what I want to do for my internship
- Reults??: er~~~ Above average if possible~~ ahhahahaha...(work smart for it)
1) i know my own capability (lol....poor memory)
2) the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment...
3) I think that academic results on a piece of paper will not proof everything. So by doing average will be good enough for me.
4) I'm kind of lazy (need to improve myself in this. Time management is what I'm going to focus on this sem. I'll try my best for it)
*************************************
Some people may want to strive the best in their academic studies but wouldn't it be stressing yourself up? For me, yes. The thing I don't like. Being stress all the time. I love carefree life. Not to say I don't want stress at all, but not stress from my studies Studying for me is to add knowledge to ourselves, to search what we want and what we're striving for. If we stress up ourself too much in this, will we be able to enjoy the whole process of studying? (Ask yourself this)
**************************************
The things I wish to achieve this sem:
- Perform better than before for my presentation (improve me nervousness)
- Discipline myself~~~ (time management)
- Complete my assignments~~ (of course I must)
- Find out what I want to do for my internship
- Reults??: er~~~ Above average if possible~~ ahhahahaha...(work smart for it)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
32- A Story (part 10-12)
Part 10
I heard the birds chipping sound outside the window. I woke up and saw my parents in my room. Mike must have told them about last night. They said that they had taken a leave today to accompany me at home. I get to have my breakfast in bed today. This was quite nice. They sat there watching me eating my breakfast. After the breakfast, my medicines were presented in front of me. My mom said I must eat all the medicines. No skipping any of it. I guess she had figured out that I actually tried to skip taking some of the medicines alternatively. I swallowed the medicines as fast as I could, trying to avoid the bitterness of the medicines. After a while, I run to the bathroom and had vomited everything that I took just now. My mom followed me to the bathroom and pats my back, trying to soothe me down. She said maybe it’s because I swallowed the medicines too fast. It’s all right. Everything will be fine. Then she went downstairs to prepare another set of breakfast for me. My dad followed her down and came up back with a glass of warm water. I can feel the sour taste in my throat. I tried to ignore it.
I took the glass of water from my dad. He sat beside me, watching me drinking the water. He must be very heart breaking, watching me this way. When I was diagnosed with this sickness, he blamed himself for not taking a good care of me. This was not his fault. He can’t control it. It was a test given to us by the God. We must face it. I gave my dad a hug seeing him like this. I said it was not his fault at all and stop blaming himself. I will be all right. I will not give up so easily. He just nods his head.
I heard my house phone rang a few times. No one picked it up. Then the last time when it rang, I woke up and answered it. It was Amy. She asked me why she couldn’t get me on my handphone. I look at my handphone on the table. It was off. I told her I forgot to charge the phone and apologized. I don’t plan to tell her about my condition now. I don’t want to distract her from her studies and from her activity that she was in charged in. It was a yearly concert held in university. She was promoted to be the president of the event. I told her that I would be there for the concert that was in another 2 months time. We chat for a while then I heard someone calling her from the other side of the phone. I asked her go on with her stuff and she doesn’t need to be worried about me. She said she’ll call me again and said bye.
I went downstairs and saw no sign of my parents. They must have gone out to buy some stuff. I sat in the living room and turned on the television. I was surfing through all the channels on the television. You don’t need to tell me how boring it was because I knew it really was very boring. (Laugh). I went to the kitchen and took a can of drinks and sat back on the couch. My headache was back again. But this time, it was just a mild headache. I closed my eyes for a while. Then I felt my nose was wet. It bleeds again. I tilt my head back and wiped off the blood from my nose. Luckily my parents were not at home that time. If not, they must have had a double shocked in half a day. I cleaned up the table where I placed the tissues and went to the bathroom to wash the blood cake around my nose. See, I can really take a good care of myself. No one should be worried about me so much.
I heard the key at the front door. It was my parents. They came back with bags of groceries. I helped them to carry some to the kitchen but they only pass me the light ones. I watch both of them arranging the things in the kitchen, putting them into the appropriate drawer and compartment. Both my parents were married for 28 years. They’re a lovely couple for me. I hardly see them quarreling in front of us. Both of them had a same interest, which is in home décor. They had their own business at the downtown. My dad had graduated in architecture while my mom had graduated in interior designing. Both of them made a great partner no matter in their business or in their personal life. I am very proud of them. Really.
They stopped doing their things when they noticed that I’m watching them. They asked me to go watch the television, not them. It felt awkward when there’s someone watching them doing chores. They shooed me away from the kitchen like I am a small little fragile puppy. I laughed and walked out from the kitchen…
2 more days for the chemotherapy. I had been counting the days since the day I made my decision to undergo this therapy. Time really past very fast. Today is already the third day. I don’t want to waste my time, sitting here. I told my parents that I would like to go to the university to see my friends. My dad offered to send me there. I accepted it. I put on some make-up before I leave the house. I have been looking pale these few days. I don’t want my friends to suspect anything about me.
I reached the university compound and say thanks to my dad for sending me. I walked into the block. I saw some of my friends in the hallway and had stopped by a while to chat. Then I went to the hall to look for Amy. I saw Amy on the stage, discussing about the concert preparation with her other team members. Then when she turned around, she saw me standing at the entrance. She ran to me and hugged me. She said that she has been missing me so much. I told her that I’ll wait for her till she finishes all her work and we’ll go for a lunch. She agreed. She jogged back to her team members. Then I walked to the outdoor court. I saw Isaac there. I waved to him. He looks so happy seeing me there. He left his friends and came to me. He gave me a hug. A hug that’s so tight that make me nearly out of breath. I knew that he was too excited to see me here.
Both he and Amy were so happy seeing me here. Seeing them like this had made me felt hesitate to tell them my current condition. I don’t want to make them upset again. I hide my pain away, acting as if nothing has happened. I invited Isaac to join Amy and I for lunch.
The three of us were talking very loud in the university cafeteria. People who walk past us will look at us and shake their head. We were really acting very crazy at that time. I sat there, observing Amy and Isaac. I told both of them that I would be visiting my long distance relative for about 3 months starting from next week. I told them that they would not be able to contact me for those 3 months. Both of them frowned when they heard that. I said I am sorry for informing them so last minute and I apologized to Amy for not being able to make it for the concert. Both of them took turn to give me a hug. Again, I lied to them. We chatted for about another 2 hours then I told them I need to go back home. I felt so reluctant to leave both of them. I am afraid that I will not be able to see them again after this. I hold myself from crying. I hugged both of them and gave Isaac a kiss on his cheek. Will this be the last hug and kiss from me to both of them? Will I be able to feel the comfort when I was in their arm again? I called my dad to pick me up after that.
I waited for him at the place where he dropped me earlier. I broke into tears right after I got into the car. I really am going to miss both of them. My dad said that I could meet both of them in about 3 months time. He asked me not to think too much. I knew that it was hard for him to say out these words as well. I might loose my life during the chemotherapy process, as I will be extremely weak during that time. We reached home in about 30 minutes.
Part 11
My mom was in the kitchen with Dr. Raj when we got back home. He dropped by our house just to check on me, making sure that I am doing fine, physically and emotionally. He brought some information booklet about the chemotherapy. He asked me to read it to prepare myself mentally. I took the booklet from him and excused myself to my own room.
I clicked on the light in my bedroom. Then I took out the booklet. I scanned through the book and saw a lot of unpleasant information. Unpleasant. Reading it could make me feel so unpleasant. How about going through it? I put away the booklet. I would like to enjoy my last 2 days before the therapy start.
Today is the fourth day and it means that I have one more day to go. My whole family was here by my side, accompanying me. We went for camping together. It was really nice. Lyn took a lot of pictures of me. I don’t need to ask why because if I do so, it will make everyone felt very upset. I just let her take. For memories. I may look very different during the whole coming 3 months. I would like them to remember me as the pretty ones, not the ugly.
C day has come. C for chemotherapy. It may be a hell for me but I know that I must face it with a strong faith and I must be brave. I was permitted to go back home after each therapy session. As day goes by, I am getting weaker. I have difficulty in eating. My throat was painful each time I swallow any solid food. So the doctor suggested me to take something that’s more watery. My parents took turn taking care of me. I felt myself like a heavy burden for them even though they had never complains about it.
Ever since the first session of the therapy, I have been telling my parents that I am sorry for everything and thank you for taking care of me. Then one day, they told me that it was their responsibility to do so. They asked me not to say that 2 words anymore. I smiled at them. A weak smile. My hair starts to fall off as well. Then I decided to shave it bald. I wear on a snowcap all the time. Mike likes to make fun of me. He said that I look like a nun. I didn’t get angry with him, but instead, I am grateful that they can still joke around with me.
During the second last session, some complication has occurred. I had a high fever. I was admitted into the hospital. My whole family was there by my side. I can’t see them there as I am too weak to open my eyes, but I could feel their presence. They had given me a warm feeling, a feeling of belongingness. My body temperature decreases two days after. I can sit up myself without the help from others and I am able to eat some soft food. My siblings and my parents look so tired. I asked them to go back home and get some good rest. At first, they resist leaving me alone, then after a while, they gave up on me. They said that they’d be back later.
I watched them walking out of the room. I noticed that my room was decorated with many pots of daisies with different colors. I closed my eyes, trying to smell the scent of it. It makes me feel very comfortable. I need to wait for about a week for my last session of the chemotherapy. I felt so proud of myself for being so tough to stay in this battle. Then suddenly I thought of Isaac and Amy. I took out my laptop and had sent each of them a mail telling them that I will be coming back soon and I had a great time here…
Part 12
Later that night, I had a seizure. I was admitted into the ICU. Why must this happen to me? I have been behaving so good and so tough. Why can’t I just go through this without so much complication? I was physically unconscious during my time in the ICU. But I can hear what parents have been telling me. I hate myself for bringing so much pain to my parents. I wanted to tell them I am sorry for all these, but I couldn’t. Everyday, I can hear my mom and sisters crying by my side, asking me to wake up. I want to wake up too, but I am too weak to do so. Then one day, I heard another two familiar voices. It was Isaac’s and Amy’s. Oh gosh, they had been told about this. Amy came into the room and was crying. She sat by my side and asked me why I lied to her again. Isaac was there in silence. Does he hate me for what I’ve done to him? I don’t dare to think about it. Being hate by someone you love doesn’t give you a good feeling.
I was in the ICU for about three days I think, and I finally woke up. I felt like I am sitting in a dark room listening to a radio during my unconscious state. I can hear voices of people talking to me but I can’t reply them or see them. I was not allowed to leave the ICU because Dr. Raj said that I need to be monitored closely 24 hours. He’s the boss here. I can’t say no to him.
Isaac and Amy visited me after that. They asked me so many questions that I only have one answer for their questions. It was a 5 letters word, sorry. They said that they’re not blaming me for not telling them about my condition, but they’re just wondering why I don’t tell them. I just kept quiet. I don’t know what to say. The next day, Isaac came and visited me. He accompanied me the whole day. I really love it when he was around. He could make you laugh basically about anything. He tried to keep me from thinking about my pain. Even when it was time to eat medicine, he can make fun out of it. He was really a sunshine person. A wonderful guy to be with.
Lately, I always feel a presence of someone that cannot be seen. Is he or she the grim reaper that’s here to observe me? And is he or she here to judge whether they should bring me away or let me stay? Ok, people, I am not trying to say that I am giving up on my life, but if there is really a grim reaper in this world that will lead us to another world, and he or she is here to bring me away, I will just accept it. Every living human will leave this world one day; it’s just a matter of when.
I had written a note and had passed it to Ms. Wong to keep. I told her that if I am really leaving this world, I would like her to read out this note on behalf of me in my funeral. She promised that she would keep that note for me. She gave me a hug after that. Then she quickly walks out from the room. I knew that she was crying.
Dr Raj dropped by to check on me in the evening. I asked him whether I could be discharge from the hospital because I really miss my home very much. I have been away from my home for quite some time and now, I would like to go back to my home. He looked at me. I knew what he was thinking at that time. He grants me my wish.
I was home the next day, sitting on my bed, looking around my room. Then I walked around the house, visiting every room in the house. I tried to recall back all the things that had happened in each of the room.
First was my parents’ bedroom where the 6 of us had once had a sleepover in my parents’ bed. Then Mike’s room where he, my sisters and I had a pillow fight in there. All of us ended up got scolded from my mom for being too noisy. Next is Lyn’s room where I had shared my secrets and the story about Isaac and me. And lastly, Lavina’s room where the three of us, Lyn, Lavina herself and I had did a fashion parade with all my brother’s creation.
I walked back into the living room. Sitting on the couch. Admiring the room that was decorated and designed by my parents. Then I went into the kitchen. I saw myself and Amy covered with flours in the kitchen. We were chasing each other and were throwing flours to each other. That was the first time both of us had make a cake together. The cake end up looks really ugly because we did not put in enough raising flour. From that time on, we decided to just buy a cake whenever we feel like eating it. I smiled to myself when I think back about the happy time I had with Amy. She was truly a great friend. I walked back to my room. I stand in front of the 10R photo of Isaac and me. This photo was taken when we won the dance competition. I was dressed in a dark blue dress with silver glitters on it. And Isaac was in a black suit. He looks handsome in that suit. We were standing next to each other holding hands. Then I shifted to my family photo. All these good memories were perfectly captured in these photos. I took these two photos, along with the teddy bear Isaac bought for me and wear on the bracelet Amy got me, and sat on my bed. I hugged them in my arm. Then I closed my eyes, drifting off to another world.
All my love ones was there in my funeral. I felt really sorry for leaving them without saying goodbye. They found me sitting on my bed without any breath, and I was hugging the two photos in my arm and there was no sign of me going through a hard time before I died.
I left this world with no pain and no regret. I am grateful that I was blessed with so many wonderful people around me. Thanks, mom and dad for showering me with so much love. Thank you Mike, Lyn and Lavina for being my siblings and sharing all the happy moments together. Thank you Amy for being my truthful friend for so many years. Thank you Isaac, for letting me feel and experience how it was to love and to be loved by someone. I’m thankful that I’ve met you. Thank you everyone for being there by my side when I need you all the most. Thank you.
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Please feel free to leave a comment here...thank you.
I heard the birds chipping sound outside the window. I woke up and saw my parents in my room. Mike must have told them about last night. They said that they had taken a leave today to accompany me at home. I get to have my breakfast in bed today. This was quite nice. They sat there watching me eating my breakfast. After the breakfast, my medicines were presented in front of me. My mom said I must eat all the medicines. No skipping any of it. I guess she had figured out that I actually tried to skip taking some of the medicines alternatively. I swallowed the medicines as fast as I could, trying to avoid the bitterness of the medicines. After a while, I run to the bathroom and had vomited everything that I took just now. My mom followed me to the bathroom and pats my back, trying to soothe me down. She said maybe it’s because I swallowed the medicines too fast. It’s all right. Everything will be fine. Then she went downstairs to prepare another set of breakfast for me. My dad followed her down and came up back with a glass of warm water. I can feel the sour taste in my throat. I tried to ignore it.
I took the glass of water from my dad. He sat beside me, watching me drinking the water. He must be very heart breaking, watching me this way. When I was diagnosed with this sickness, he blamed himself for not taking a good care of me. This was not his fault. He can’t control it. It was a test given to us by the God. We must face it. I gave my dad a hug seeing him like this. I said it was not his fault at all and stop blaming himself. I will be all right. I will not give up so easily. He just nods his head.
I heard my house phone rang a few times. No one picked it up. Then the last time when it rang, I woke up and answered it. It was Amy. She asked me why she couldn’t get me on my handphone. I look at my handphone on the table. It was off. I told her I forgot to charge the phone and apologized. I don’t plan to tell her about my condition now. I don’t want to distract her from her studies and from her activity that she was in charged in. It was a yearly concert held in university. She was promoted to be the president of the event. I told her that I would be there for the concert that was in another 2 months time. We chat for a while then I heard someone calling her from the other side of the phone. I asked her go on with her stuff and she doesn’t need to be worried about me. She said she’ll call me again and said bye.
I went downstairs and saw no sign of my parents. They must have gone out to buy some stuff. I sat in the living room and turned on the television. I was surfing through all the channels on the television. You don’t need to tell me how boring it was because I knew it really was very boring. (Laugh). I went to the kitchen and took a can of drinks and sat back on the couch. My headache was back again. But this time, it was just a mild headache. I closed my eyes for a while. Then I felt my nose was wet. It bleeds again. I tilt my head back and wiped off the blood from my nose. Luckily my parents were not at home that time. If not, they must have had a double shocked in half a day. I cleaned up the table where I placed the tissues and went to the bathroom to wash the blood cake around my nose. See, I can really take a good care of myself. No one should be worried about me so much.
I heard the key at the front door. It was my parents. They came back with bags of groceries. I helped them to carry some to the kitchen but they only pass me the light ones. I watch both of them arranging the things in the kitchen, putting them into the appropriate drawer and compartment. Both my parents were married for 28 years. They’re a lovely couple for me. I hardly see them quarreling in front of us. Both of them had a same interest, which is in home décor. They had their own business at the downtown. My dad had graduated in architecture while my mom had graduated in interior designing. Both of them made a great partner no matter in their business or in their personal life. I am very proud of them. Really.
They stopped doing their things when they noticed that I’m watching them. They asked me to go watch the television, not them. It felt awkward when there’s someone watching them doing chores. They shooed me away from the kitchen like I am a small little fragile puppy. I laughed and walked out from the kitchen…
2 more days for the chemotherapy. I had been counting the days since the day I made my decision to undergo this therapy. Time really past very fast. Today is already the third day. I don’t want to waste my time, sitting here. I told my parents that I would like to go to the university to see my friends. My dad offered to send me there. I accepted it. I put on some make-up before I leave the house. I have been looking pale these few days. I don’t want my friends to suspect anything about me.
I reached the university compound and say thanks to my dad for sending me. I walked into the block. I saw some of my friends in the hallway and had stopped by a while to chat. Then I went to the hall to look for Amy. I saw Amy on the stage, discussing about the concert preparation with her other team members. Then when she turned around, she saw me standing at the entrance. She ran to me and hugged me. She said that she has been missing me so much. I told her that I’ll wait for her till she finishes all her work and we’ll go for a lunch. She agreed. She jogged back to her team members. Then I walked to the outdoor court. I saw Isaac there. I waved to him. He looks so happy seeing me there. He left his friends and came to me. He gave me a hug. A hug that’s so tight that make me nearly out of breath. I knew that he was too excited to see me here.
Both he and Amy were so happy seeing me here. Seeing them like this had made me felt hesitate to tell them my current condition. I don’t want to make them upset again. I hide my pain away, acting as if nothing has happened. I invited Isaac to join Amy and I for lunch.
The three of us were talking very loud in the university cafeteria. People who walk past us will look at us and shake their head. We were really acting very crazy at that time. I sat there, observing Amy and Isaac. I told both of them that I would be visiting my long distance relative for about 3 months starting from next week. I told them that they would not be able to contact me for those 3 months. Both of them frowned when they heard that. I said I am sorry for informing them so last minute and I apologized to Amy for not being able to make it for the concert. Both of them took turn to give me a hug. Again, I lied to them. We chatted for about another 2 hours then I told them I need to go back home. I felt so reluctant to leave both of them. I am afraid that I will not be able to see them again after this. I hold myself from crying. I hugged both of them and gave Isaac a kiss on his cheek. Will this be the last hug and kiss from me to both of them? Will I be able to feel the comfort when I was in their arm again? I called my dad to pick me up after that.
I waited for him at the place where he dropped me earlier. I broke into tears right after I got into the car. I really am going to miss both of them. My dad said that I could meet both of them in about 3 months time. He asked me not to think too much. I knew that it was hard for him to say out these words as well. I might loose my life during the chemotherapy process, as I will be extremely weak during that time. We reached home in about 30 minutes.
Part 11
My mom was in the kitchen with Dr. Raj when we got back home. He dropped by our house just to check on me, making sure that I am doing fine, physically and emotionally. He brought some information booklet about the chemotherapy. He asked me to read it to prepare myself mentally. I took the booklet from him and excused myself to my own room.
I clicked on the light in my bedroom. Then I took out the booklet. I scanned through the book and saw a lot of unpleasant information. Unpleasant. Reading it could make me feel so unpleasant. How about going through it? I put away the booklet. I would like to enjoy my last 2 days before the therapy start.
Today is the fourth day and it means that I have one more day to go. My whole family was here by my side, accompanying me. We went for camping together. It was really nice. Lyn took a lot of pictures of me. I don’t need to ask why because if I do so, it will make everyone felt very upset. I just let her take. For memories. I may look very different during the whole coming 3 months. I would like them to remember me as the pretty ones, not the ugly.
C day has come. C for chemotherapy. It may be a hell for me but I know that I must face it with a strong faith and I must be brave. I was permitted to go back home after each therapy session. As day goes by, I am getting weaker. I have difficulty in eating. My throat was painful each time I swallow any solid food. So the doctor suggested me to take something that’s more watery. My parents took turn taking care of me. I felt myself like a heavy burden for them even though they had never complains about it.
Ever since the first session of the therapy, I have been telling my parents that I am sorry for everything and thank you for taking care of me. Then one day, they told me that it was their responsibility to do so. They asked me not to say that 2 words anymore. I smiled at them. A weak smile. My hair starts to fall off as well. Then I decided to shave it bald. I wear on a snowcap all the time. Mike likes to make fun of me. He said that I look like a nun. I didn’t get angry with him, but instead, I am grateful that they can still joke around with me.
During the second last session, some complication has occurred. I had a high fever. I was admitted into the hospital. My whole family was there by my side. I can’t see them there as I am too weak to open my eyes, but I could feel their presence. They had given me a warm feeling, a feeling of belongingness. My body temperature decreases two days after. I can sit up myself without the help from others and I am able to eat some soft food. My siblings and my parents look so tired. I asked them to go back home and get some good rest. At first, they resist leaving me alone, then after a while, they gave up on me. They said that they’d be back later.
I watched them walking out of the room. I noticed that my room was decorated with many pots of daisies with different colors. I closed my eyes, trying to smell the scent of it. It makes me feel very comfortable. I need to wait for about a week for my last session of the chemotherapy. I felt so proud of myself for being so tough to stay in this battle. Then suddenly I thought of Isaac and Amy. I took out my laptop and had sent each of them a mail telling them that I will be coming back soon and I had a great time here…
Part 12
Later that night, I had a seizure. I was admitted into the ICU. Why must this happen to me? I have been behaving so good and so tough. Why can’t I just go through this without so much complication? I was physically unconscious during my time in the ICU. But I can hear what parents have been telling me. I hate myself for bringing so much pain to my parents. I wanted to tell them I am sorry for all these, but I couldn’t. Everyday, I can hear my mom and sisters crying by my side, asking me to wake up. I want to wake up too, but I am too weak to do so. Then one day, I heard another two familiar voices. It was Isaac’s and Amy’s. Oh gosh, they had been told about this. Amy came into the room and was crying. She sat by my side and asked me why I lied to her again. Isaac was there in silence. Does he hate me for what I’ve done to him? I don’t dare to think about it. Being hate by someone you love doesn’t give you a good feeling.
I was in the ICU for about three days I think, and I finally woke up. I felt like I am sitting in a dark room listening to a radio during my unconscious state. I can hear voices of people talking to me but I can’t reply them or see them. I was not allowed to leave the ICU because Dr. Raj said that I need to be monitored closely 24 hours. He’s the boss here. I can’t say no to him.
Isaac and Amy visited me after that. They asked me so many questions that I only have one answer for their questions. It was a 5 letters word, sorry. They said that they’re not blaming me for not telling them about my condition, but they’re just wondering why I don’t tell them. I just kept quiet. I don’t know what to say. The next day, Isaac came and visited me. He accompanied me the whole day. I really love it when he was around. He could make you laugh basically about anything. He tried to keep me from thinking about my pain. Even when it was time to eat medicine, he can make fun out of it. He was really a sunshine person. A wonderful guy to be with.
Lately, I always feel a presence of someone that cannot be seen. Is he or she the grim reaper that’s here to observe me? And is he or she here to judge whether they should bring me away or let me stay? Ok, people, I am not trying to say that I am giving up on my life, but if there is really a grim reaper in this world that will lead us to another world, and he or she is here to bring me away, I will just accept it. Every living human will leave this world one day; it’s just a matter of when.
I had written a note and had passed it to Ms. Wong to keep. I told her that if I am really leaving this world, I would like her to read out this note on behalf of me in my funeral. She promised that she would keep that note for me. She gave me a hug after that. Then she quickly walks out from the room. I knew that she was crying.
Dr Raj dropped by to check on me in the evening. I asked him whether I could be discharge from the hospital because I really miss my home very much. I have been away from my home for quite some time and now, I would like to go back to my home. He looked at me. I knew what he was thinking at that time. He grants me my wish.
I was home the next day, sitting on my bed, looking around my room. Then I walked around the house, visiting every room in the house. I tried to recall back all the things that had happened in each of the room.
First was my parents’ bedroom where the 6 of us had once had a sleepover in my parents’ bed. Then Mike’s room where he, my sisters and I had a pillow fight in there. All of us ended up got scolded from my mom for being too noisy. Next is Lyn’s room where I had shared my secrets and the story about Isaac and me. And lastly, Lavina’s room where the three of us, Lyn, Lavina herself and I had did a fashion parade with all my brother’s creation.
I walked back into the living room. Sitting on the couch. Admiring the room that was decorated and designed by my parents. Then I went into the kitchen. I saw myself and Amy covered with flours in the kitchen. We were chasing each other and were throwing flours to each other. That was the first time both of us had make a cake together. The cake end up looks really ugly because we did not put in enough raising flour. From that time on, we decided to just buy a cake whenever we feel like eating it. I smiled to myself when I think back about the happy time I had with Amy. She was truly a great friend. I walked back to my room. I stand in front of the 10R photo of Isaac and me. This photo was taken when we won the dance competition. I was dressed in a dark blue dress with silver glitters on it. And Isaac was in a black suit. He looks handsome in that suit. We were standing next to each other holding hands. Then I shifted to my family photo. All these good memories were perfectly captured in these photos. I took these two photos, along with the teddy bear Isaac bought for me and wear on the bracelet Amy got me, and sat on my bed. I hugged them in my arm. Then I closed my eyes, drifting off to another world.
All my love ones was there in my funeral. I felt really sorry for leaving them without saying goodbye. They found me sitting on my bed without any breath, and I was hugging the two photos in my arm and there was no sign of me going through a hard time before I died.
I left this world with no pain and no regret. I am grateful that I was blessed with so many wonderful people around me. Thanks, mom and dad for showering me with so much love. Thank you Mike, Lyn and Lavina for being my siblings and sharing all the happy moments together. Thank you Amy for being my truthful friend for so many years. Thank you Isaac, for letting me feel and experience how it was to love and to be loved by someone. I’m thankful that I’ve met you. Thank you everyone for being there by my side when I need you all the most. Thank you.
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31 - A Story (Part 7-9)
Part 7
The next morning when I woke up, a nurse was in my room, opening the curtain. She greeted me good morning. I smiled at her. After a long rain last night, the sky looks so clear today. I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I told the nurse that they don’t need to send in breakfast for me because I want to go to the cafeteria to get my breakfast. She nodded her head. I changed my clothes and took the handphone and put it in my pocket. I felt just fine on that morning. I wonder the weather at Bukit Tinggi will be as good as this.
I ordered my breakfast and took a sit by the window. There’s a garden outside the window with a fountain pond in the middle of it. I saw a group of children dressed in the patient’s clothes sitting around a nurse. The nurse must be telling them some interesting story from the book. I wonder what sickness those children have. It must be very painful for them for not getting the chance to play like any other children out there. The waiter has sent my breakfast over. I took the cup of coffee and before I could drink it, a hand came and pulled the cup away. It was Dr. Raj. He took the cup of coffee and sat in front of me. He said that it was best for me to not drink caffeinated drinks. This is to avoid sleep insomnia. What can I do? I was caught in action. I have to go back to the counter and order another drink.
Dr. Raj was dressed in a nice light green suit shirt and he had a big smile on his face. I asked him what had made him looks like a sunshine today? He laughed out quite loud and he said that his wife just gave birth to a baby girl this early morning. I looked at him with my wide eyes. I congratulated him. That was good news. He laughed again. He excused himself after that, telling me that he wants to deliver this good news to his other colleagues.
I took a sip at the juice that I’ve ordered. Listening to the good news that Dr. Raj had delivered to me, I was wondering myself whether I will have the chance to have my own children or not. If I ask my parents or Dr. Raj this question, they must be very upset about it. The time bomb in my brain may explode anytime. Even the doctor himself can’t promise me anything. I think I better keep it to myself. I took my time to finish up my breakfast. The sausages tasted a bit weird but I just ignore it. After finishing up my breakfast, I took a walk in the garden. I sat near the group of children I saw earlier. I was really curious about how they feel about all these. I sat there. Observing them.
The sun was getting high up in the sky and people were leaving the garden area because it’s very hot out here. I was going to do the same too when I felt my head aching in pain. I sat down for a while. I was thinking maybe it’s because of the hot weather that had made me this way. Then I slowly walked back into the hospital. When I was inside, I saw Ms. Wong, the nurse. I told her that I have headache. She asked me to wait awhile and later she came back with a wheel chair. She said she’d push me back to the room.
Oh, why must I depend on this thing to get back to my room? I felt so useless sitting on this thing. Ms. Wong holds my hand, guiding me to the chair. I just sat on it without saying anything. I knew that I myself have limit at this time. I just couldn’t walk anymore by myself. My head is too pain for me to focus on my walking. When I reached my room I said thank you to Ms. Wong. She said she’d bring some medicine for my headache. I sat on my bed and waited for the medicines.
After I took the medicines, I drifted off to sleep. I had a dream. I dreamt about my future. I have a pair of children, one boy and one girl. Isaac, my parents, Lavina, Lyn, Mike and Amy were there too. My children were running around and I have to chase after them. Everyone was very happy. Then I woke up from the dream. It was just a dream. How I wish that it was real. I covered my eyes with my hand, blocking the bright sun light. Then I turned around and pulled a photo from the drawer by my bedside. It was the family photo that I’ve told you all earlier. The one we took from Lyn’s graduation. I stared at the photo quite long. Then I put it back into the drawer. I sat up. Looking around. Trying to find something for myself to do. Then my handphone ring. It was Lyn. She called to ask about me. I told her that I’m doing fine alone here. I asked her not to worry about me. Then she said she will visit me after she finishes her work. I kissed her goodbye on the phone.
Lyn came that night with my parents and Lavina, and Mike. They brought some fruits for me. Lavina gave me a big hug. She said she missed me. She didn’t see me for about 3 days and she already miss me like this. If I am no longer in this world, how will she be? I shake that thought out of my head. We chat a bit about things that had happened these few days. The clock shows 2315. I asked them to go back home, as it was already late. Each of them gave me a kiss on my forehead. I felt so warm deep inside my heart for having such a wonderful family. Here I am, along again in this quiet room. I decided to go to sleep.
I heard some voices before I wake up. Then I opened my eyes to see who it is. It was Isaac and Amy. They had come and visit me first thing in the morning before they go to class. Isaac has bought me a teddy bear from Bukit Tinggi. He said that the bear would accompany me when he’s not around. He’s so sweet right. (Don’t be jealous). Amy bought something for me too. It was a charm bracelet. One of the pendants has our picture on it. I gave Amy a hug and told her that I love it very much. She put it on to my hand. Both of them left for class together. I see them walking out of the room together. I feel like going for class with them also but I couldn’t. Dr. Raj is still monitoring me.
Later that evening, Isaac dropped by again. He updated me about the lectures. He said many people had asked where am I. But as he had promised, he didn’t tell them about this. We chatted the whole evening. It was a great evening. He accompanied me until I fell asleep. The next morning when I woke up, I saw a note by my bedside. It was from Isaac. He said that he left after I sleep. He doesn’t want to wake me up from my sleep, and so he left a note for me. He said he’d be back to visit me today after his class. I can’t wait to see him later. I kept the note in the drawer where I placed my family photo.
My family members were there this morning to have breakfast with me. I ordered the same breakfast that I had had last 2 days. I was hoping that the sausage would not taste the same again as what I had tasted 2 mornings ago. Yes, this time the sausage really taste different from that time. It tasted even worse. I pushed the plate aside. My appetite was spoiled by the taste. Mike took a bite from the sausage I had. “Mmm… this sausage taste so nice. My dear sister, please don’t be picky in food. Eat it.” I stared at him, telling him that it’s not funny. The sausage really taste weird. Then my dad tried it. He told me that it was fine too. Huh?? What happen to my taste receptor then? Why when I try it, it tasted so weird but for them it’s normal? I drank the plain water that I’ve ordered. I planned to see Dr. Raj later after they’ve left.
Part 8
I send them to the main entrance of the hospital, waving them goodbye. Then I walked to Dr. Raj’s clinic. He signaled me to take a sit by his desk. I sat down and told him what had happened this morning. He said that this was normal for a brain tumor patient. Sometimes I will smell or taste something that’s abnormal. He said that he would like to do another scanning for me to check on the tumor. I nodded my head. My mind was kind of blur at that time. All the negative symptoms were starting to show out. Does this mean that my sickness is getting worse? Dr. Raj asked me to relax myself. He said that he would inform my parents about it. I nod my head again. Then I leave his room.
I stopped by the maternity ward before I return to my room. I passed by a room with many babies in it. I stand outside the room, looking at the babies. They were so small in size. Some of them were crying, some were sleeping and some were moving around, stretching their tiny little arm. I saw some babies were placed in the incubator. Those babies look so fragile and their body was reddish in color. After a while, I walked back to my room. My life these few days were really boring.
I pushed open my door and saw Isaac reading a book, sitting on the armchair. He put down his book when he saw me. I gave him a kiss on his left cheek.
“How are you today, Moon? Feeling good?”
“Oh yes. And my family came by this morning to have breakfast with me. Have you had your lunch?”
“Well, no. Want to have lunch together?”
“Ok.”
We walked to the cafeteria. I hope this time the food that I order won’t taste weird. We ordered 2 set lunches. During this lunch hour, the cafeteria is usually packed with doctors and nurses. We quickly eat our lunch and left the cafeteria. We walked hand in hand back to the room. I felt really happy because he’s here with me. In the room, I told him what had happened this morning and told him that I will be doing another scanning tomorrow. I told him that he don’t need to come by tomorrow as the scanning will take a very long time and I will need to take a long rest after that. He said all right and that he will accompany me a little longer for today. He looks very worried over me.
Actually, the reason why I asked him not to come over tomorrow was that the report of the scanning will be done few hours after that. I don’t want him to be around when the doctor read out the report. I don’t want him to worry so much. So I have to lie to him. Sorry.
We chat the whole evening that day. This time, Isaac’s turn to fall asleep. I guess he’s just too tired. I pulled my blanket over his shoulder. I sat there on my bed, watching him sleeping like a baby by my bedside. Later, I fell asleep as well.
Next morning when I woke up, the blanket was over me. I saw a set of breakfast on the table next to me and a note on it.
“Good morning. When I was awake, it’s already around 0830. So I went downstairs and bought you a breakfast set before I leave. I guess you will be awake not long after that. I bought another set for myself as well to eat on the way to university. Hope you’ll enjoy the breakfast. Give me a call if you feel bored.
Love, Isaac.”
I kept the note into the drawer again. Then I slowly eat the breakfast. It taste normal this time. Is it because Isaac bought it for me? Or is my receptor is acting normal today? I was just finishing the last bite of the sandwich when the nurse came into my room. She said it’s time for the scan. I threw away the breakfast packaging. Then I put on my sandal and walked to the scanning room with the nurse. Dr. Raj was there, preparing the machine. After the scanning, the nurse walked me back into my room.
I sat in my room until Dr. Raj came in with the report. He said that my parents were on their way to the hospital, and so, we will wait for them. I asked him about his newborn baby daughter. He then showed me a photo of her. She’s so cute. Her eyes were so big and round. I asked him how does he feel when he knows that his baby was born into this world. He said that the feeling was indescribable with words. We chatted for a while until my parents come. He opened the report and cleared his throat. He said that the size of the tumor has increased a little again. He asked me whether I’ve decided about the chemotherapy that he had suggested. I shake my head telling him no. He said that it’s the best for me to receive that therapy as soon as possible. I nodded my head but I didn’t say anything…
Part 9
I know that I must undergo this therapy. But I told them that I would like to have few more days to think about it. My parents insisted that I undergo this therapy but I told them that I would like to make a decision about it. Dr. Raj left 3 of us alone to discuss about this. I can see that my mom looked very restless. My dad on the other hand looks a bit angry over my stubborn attitude. I just sit there and keep quiet. Must I undergo this therapy? How will it be like during this whole process of the therapy? I keep asking myself this question. Can I really recover if I undergo this therapy? I closed my eyes trying to think about it. I ignored my parents who were looking at me. They knew that I am worried and scared too. They said that they’d be back later with my other siblings. They closed the door and here again, leaving the miserable me alone in this room.
Should I call Isaac and Amy to tell them about this? NO. I don’t think that that will be a good idea. I sat there the whole day, thinking about the chemotherapy suggested. I heard that if we undergo this therapy, our immune system will be quite weak after that and our hair will fall. I don’t want to look bald. I wonder whether there’s any other way for me to take besides than this. I had been thinking about this question the whole day and had made a decision in my mind.
At night, my parents and other siblings came and visit me. They brought some soup for me. I felt like it was ages ago when I last drink my mom’s soup. It taste so delicious. My parents asked me whether I’ve made a decision on the therapy or not, I told them yes, but with a condition. I will start the therapy next week, which was only 5 more days to go. And before that, I would like to be discharged from the hospital. I told them that Amy and Isaac don’t know about today’s report. I asked my parents and siblings to keep this report from them, as I’m afraid that it’ll interrupt their mood, as another exam will be coming soon. They agreed.
The next morning, I gave Isaac a call, telling him that I will be discharged from the hospital. He asked me about the report, but I didn’t answer him. I asked him out for dinner. He said he would pick me up at about 1900. I went home after that. I missed my bed so much. I planned to take a long nap before going out with Isaac. I tucked myself in the bed, closing my eyes, trying to clear my mind off everything. Then I fell asleep. This time, I did not dream of anything. Maybe my body was too tired for me to go to the fifth stage of the sleep. (Laugh). I was woken up by the sound of the slamming door downstairs. That must be Lavina. She likes to slam the door when she’s back home. I lies on the bed for a while. Then I looked at the clock. It shows 1800. I quickly get up to prepare myself. I don’t want to make Isaac waiting for me.
I wore a dress and had put on some blusher to make my self look less pale. At sharp 1900, Isaac rang my doorbell. Lavina was downstairs. So she answers the door. She called me from downstairs, so loud that the people from the next two doors could hear her voice. I took my medicines before I leave the house. We went to a fancy restaurant that night. Isaac ordered a main course while I only ordered a piece of tiramisu cake. We chat for a while, and then Isaac asked me again about the report. I know that he’s just concern with me. I told him that the report showed that everything was is normal. I didn’t tell him about my decision to undergo the chemotherapy. Maybe after his exam, I’ll let him know about it. The food we ordered has arrived and we start eating. After finishing up the food, Isaac suggested that we go for a movie.
We went to the cinema and decided to watch a comedy. We lined up for the tickets then for the popcorn. He held me by my hand and we walked in to the theatre. We took our seats and the light was off. I can feel my head aching again. It was just like the one I had when I was on the bus to Bukit Tinggi. I can feel the tears on my cheek. Luckily we’re in the cinema right now. It was dark, so Isaac won’t notice my pain. I pretended to laugh at some part of the movie. I knew it was kind of fake but at least, Isaac won’t suspect anything. After the movie, I asked Isaac to send me back because I’m very tired.
Through out the ride back home, I didn’t talk much. Isaac didn’t ask me why. Maybe he thought that I am too tired to talk much. I gave him a good night kiss and got down from the car. I took out my keys and quickly unlock my house door. I waved him goodbye again and closed the door. I dropped down when I was in the house. My leg felt so weak that I could hardly stand still. Mike who happened to come down to get a glass water quickly rush to me and carried me to my room. Then he poured me a glass of water and asked me to take my medicines. Of course I do as what he said. He was there the whole night watching over me. Making sure that I am doing fine.
The next morning when I woke up, a nurse was in my room, opening the curtain. She greeted me good morning. I smiled at her. After a long rain last night, the sky looks so clear today. I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I told the nurse that they don’t need to send in breakfast for me because I want to go to the cafeteria to get my breakfast. She nodded her head. I changed my clothes and took the handphone and put it in my pocket. I felt just fine on that morning. I wonder the weather at Bukit Tinggi will be as good as this.
I ordered my breakfast and took a sit by the window. There’s a garden outside the window with a fountain pond in the middle of it. I saw a group of children dressed in the patient’s clothes sitting around a nurse. The nurse must be telling them some interesting story from the book. I wonder what sickness those children have. It must be very painful for them for not getting the chance to play like any other children out there. The waiter has sent my breakfast over. I took the cup of coffee and before I could drink it, a hand came and pulled the cup away. It was Dr. Raj. He took the cup of coffee and sat in front of me. He said that it was best for me to not drink caffeinated drinks. This is to avoid sleep insomnia. What can I do? I was caught in action. I have to go back to the counter and order another drink.
Dr. Raj was dressed in a nice light green suit shirt and he had a big smile on his face. I asked him what had made him looks like a sunshine today? He laughed out quite loud and he said that his wife just gave birth to a baby girl this early morning. I looked at him with my wide eyes. I congratulated him. That was good news. He laughed again. He excused himself after that, telling me that he wants to deliver this good news to his other colleagues.
I took a sip at the juice that I’ve ordered. Listening to the good news that Dr. Raj had delivered to me, I was wondering myself whether I will have the chance to have my own children or not. If I ask my parents or Dr. Raj this question, they must be very upset about it. The time bomb in my brain may explode anytime. Even the doctor himself can’t promise me anything. I think I better keep it to myself. I took my time to finish up my breakfast. The sausages tasted a bit weird but I just ignore it. After finishing up my breakfast, I took a walk in the garden. I sat near the group of children I saw earlier. I was really curious about how they feel about all these. I sat there. Observing them.
The sun was getting high up in the sky and people were leaving the garden area because it’s very hot out here. I was going to do the same too when I felt my head aching in pain. I sat down for a while. I was thinking maybe it’s because of the hot weather that had made me this way. Then I slowly walked back into the hospital. When I was inside, I saw Ms. Wong, the nurse. I told her that I have headache. She asked me to wait awhile and later she came back with a wheel chair. She said she’d push me back to the room.
Oh, why must I depend on this thing to get back to my room? I felt so useless sitting on this thing. Ms. Wong holds my hand, guiding me to the chair. I just sat on it without saying anything. I knew that I myself have limit at this time. I just couldn’t walk anymore by myself. My head is too pain for me to focus on my walking. When I reached my room I said thank you to Ms. Wong. She said she’d bring some medicine for my headache. I sat on my bed and waited for the medicines.
After I took the medicines, I drifted off to sleep. I had a dream. I dreamt about my future. I have a pair of children, one boy and one girl. Isaac, my parents, Lavina, Lyn, Mike and Amy were there too. My children were running around and I have to chase after them. Everyone was very happy. Then I woke up from the dream. It was just a dream. How I wish that it was real. I covered my eyes with my hand, blocking the bright sun light. Then I turned around and pulled a photo from the drawer by my bedside. It was the family photo that I’ve told you all earlier. The one we took from Lyn’s graduation. I stared at the photo quite long. Then I put it back into the drawer. I sat up. Looking around. Trying to find something for myself to do. Then my handphone ring. It was Lyn. She called to ask about me. I told her that I’m doing fine alone here. I asked her not to worry about me. Then she said she will visit me after she finishes her work. I kissed her goodbye on the phone.
Lyn came that night with my parents and Lavina, and Mike. They brought some fruits for me. Lavina gave me a big hug. She said she missed me. She didn’t see me for about 3 days and she already miss me like this. If I am no longer in this world, how will she be? I shake that thought out of my head. We chat a bit about things that had happened these few days. The clock shows 2315. I asked them to go back home, as it was already late. Each of them gave me a kiss on my forehead. I felt so warm deep inside my heart for having such a wonderful family. Here I am, along again in this quiet room. I decided to go to sleep.
I heard some voices before I wake up. Then I opened my eyes to see who it is. It was Isaac and Amy. They had come and visit me first thing in the morning before they go to class. Isaac has bought me a teddy bear from Bukit Tinggi. He said that the bear would accompany me when he’s not around. He’s so sweet right. (Don’t be jealous). Amy bought something for me too. It was a charm bracelet. One of the pendants has our picture on it. I gave Amy a hug and told her that I love it very much. She put it on to my hand. Both of them left for class together. I see them walking out of the room together. I feel like going for class with them also but I couldn’t. Dr. Raj is still monitoring me.
Later that evening, Isaac dropped by again. He updated me about the lectures. He said many people had asked where am I. But as he had promised, he didn’t tell them about this. We chatted the whole evening. It was a great evening. He accompanied me until I fell asleep. The next morning when I woke up, I saw a note by my bedside. It was from Isaac. He said that he left after I sleep. He doesn’t want to wake me up from my sleep, and so he left a note for me. He said he’d be back to visit me today after his class. I can’t wait to see him later. I kept the note in the drawer where I placed my family photo.
My family members were there this morning to have breakfast with me. I ordered the same breakfast that I had had last 2 days. I was hoping that the sausage would not taste the same again as what I had tasted 2 mornings ago. Yes, this time the sausage really taste different from that time. It tasted even worse. I pushed the plate aside. My appetite was spoiled by the taste. Mike took a bite from the sausage I had. “Mmm… this sausage taste so nice. My dear sister, please don’t be picky in food. Eat it.” I stared at him, telling him that it’s not funny. The sausage really taste weird. Then my dad tried it. He told me that it was fine too. Huh?? What happen to my taste receptor then? Why when I try it, it tasted so weird but for them it’s normal? I drank the plain water that I’ve ordered. I planned to see Dr. Raj later after they’ve left.
Part 8
I send them to the main entrance of the hospital, waving them goodbye. Then I walked to Dr. Raj’s clinic. He signaled me to take a sit by his desk. I sat down and told him what had happened this morning. He said that this was normal for a brain tumor patient. Sometimes I will smell or taste something that’s abnormal. He said that he would like to do another scanning for me to check on the tumor. I nodded my head. My mind was kind of blur at that time. All the negative symptoms were starting to show out. Does this mean that my sickness is getting worse? Dr. Raj asked me to relax myself. He said that he would inform my parents about it. I nod my head again. Then I leave his room.
I stopped by the maternity ward before I return to my room. I passed by a room with many babies in it. I stand outside the room, looking at the babies. They were so small in size. Some of them were crying, some were sleeping and some were moving around, stretching their tiny little arm. I saw some babies were placed in the incubator. Those babies look so fragile and their body was reddish in color. After a while, I walked back to my room. My life these few days were really boring.
I pushed open my door and saw Isaac reading a book, sitting on the armchair. He put down his book when he saw me. I gave him a kiss on his left cheek.
“How are you today, Moon? Feeling good?”
“Oh yes. And my family came by this morning to have breakfast with me. Have you had your lunch?”
“Well, no. Want to have lunch together?”
“Ok.”
We walked to the cafeteria. I hope this time the food that I order won’t taste weird. We ordered 2 set lunches. During this lunch hour, the cafeteria is usually packed with doctors and nurses. We quickly eat our lunch and left the cafeteria. We walked hand in hand back to the room. I felt really happy because he’s here with me. In the room, I told him what had happened this morning and told him that I will be doing another scanning tomorrow. I told him that he don’t need to come by tomorrow as the scanning will take a very long time and I will need to take a long rest after that. He said all right and that he will accompany me a little longer for today. He looks very worried over me.
Actually, the reason why I asked him not to come over tomorrow was that the report of the scanning will be done few hours after that. I don’t want him to be around when the doctor read out the report. I don’t want him to worry so much. So I have to lie to him. Sorry.
We chat the whole evening that day. This time, Isaac’s turn to fall asleep. I guess he’s just too tired. I pulled my blanket over his shoulder. I sat there on my bed, watching him sleeping like a baby by my bedside. Later, I fell asleep as well.
Next morning when I woke up, the blanket was over me. I saw a set of breakfast on the table next to me and a note on it.
“Good morning. When I was awake, it’s already around 0830. So I went downstairs and bought you a breakfast set before I leave. I guess you will be awake not long after that. I bought another set for myself as well to eat on the way to university. Hope you’ll enjoy the breakfast. Give me a call if you feel bored.
Love, Isaac.”
I kept the note into the drawer again. Then I slowly eat the breakfast. It taste normal this time. Is it because Isaac bought it for me? Or is my receptor is acting normal today? I was just finishing the last bite of the sandwich when the nurse came into my room. She said it’s time for the scan. I threw away the breakfast packaging. Then I put on my sandal and walked to the scanning room with the nurse. Dr. Raj was there, preparing the machine. After the scanning, the nurse walked me back into my room.
I sat in my room until Dr. Raj came in with the report. He said that my parents were on their way to the hospital, and so, we will wait for them. I asked him about his newborn baby daughter. He then showed me a photo of her. She’s so cute. Her eyes were so big and round. I asked him how does he feel when he knows that his baby was born into this world. He said that the feeling was indescribable with words. We chatted for a while until my parents come. He opened the report and cleared his throat. He said that the size of the tumor has increased a little again. He asked me whether I’ve decided about the chemotherapy that he had suggested. I shake my head telling him no. He said that it’s the best for me to receive that therapy as soon as possible. I nodded my head but I didn’t say anything…
Part 9
I know that I must undergo this therapy. But I told them that I would like to have few more days to think about it. My parents insisted that I undergo this therapy but I told them that I would like to make a decision about it. Dr. Raj left 3 of us alone to discuss about this. I can see that my mom looked very restless. My dad on the other hand looks a bit angry over my stubborn attitude. I just sit there and keep quiet. Must I undergo this therapy? How will it be like during this whole process of the therapy? I keep asking myself this question. Can I really recover if I undergo this therapy? I closed my eyes trying to think about it. I ignored my parents who were looking at me. They knew that I am worried and scared too. They said that they’d be back later with my other siblings. They closed the door and here again, leaving the miserable me alone in this room.
Should I call Isaac and Amy to tell them about this? NO. I don’t think that that will be a good idea. I sat there the whole day, thinking about the chemotherapy suggested. I heard that if we undergo this therapy, our immune system will be quite weak after that and our hair will fall. I don’t want to look bald. I wonder whether there’s any other way for me to take besides than this. I had been thinking about this question the whole day and had made a decision in my mind.
At night, my parents and other siblings came and visit me. They brought some soup for me. I felt like it was ages ago when I last drink my mom’s soup. It taste so delicious. My parents asked me whether I’ve made a decision on the therapy or not, I told them yes, but with a condition. I will start the therapy next week, which was only 5 more days to go. And before that, I would like to be discharged from the hospital. I told them that Amy and Isaac don’t know about today’s report. I asked my parents and siblings to keep this report from them, as I’m afraid that it’ll interrupt their mood, as another exam will be coming soon. They agreed.
The next morning, I gave Isaac a call, telling him that I will be discharged from the hospital. He asked me about the report, but I didn’t answer him. I asked him out for dinner. He said he would pick me up at about 1900. I went home after that. I missed my bed so much. I planned to take a long nap before going out with Isaac. I tucked myself in the bed, closing my eyes, trying to clear my mind off everything. Then I fell asleep. This time, I did not dream of anything. Maybe my body was too tired for me to go to the fifth stage of the sleep. (Laugh). I was woken up by the sound of the slamming door downstairs. That must be Lavina. She likes to slam the door when she’s back home. I lies on the bed for a while. Then I looked at the clock. It shows 1800. I quickly get up to prepare myself. I don’t want to make Isaac waiting for me.
I wore a dress and had put on some blusher to make my self look less pale. At sharp 1900, Isaac rang my doorbell. Lavina was downstairs. So she answers the door. She called me from downstairs, so loud that the people from the next two doors could hear her voice. I took my medicines before I leave the house. We went to a fancy restaurant that night. Isaac ordered a main course while I only ordered a piece of tiramisu cake. We chat for a while, and then Isaac asked me again about the report. I know that he’s just concern with me. I told him that the report showed that everything was is normal. I didn’t tell him about my decision to undergo the chemotherapy. Maybe after his exam, I’ll let him know about it. The food we ordered has arrived and we start eating. After finishing up the food, Isaac suggested that we go for a movie.
We went to the cinema and decided to watch a comedy. We lined up for the tickets then for the popcorn. He held me by my hand and we walked in to the theatre. We took our seats and the light was off. I can feel my head aching again. It was just like the one I had when I was on the bus to Bukit Tinggi. I can feel the tears on my cheek. Luckily we’re in the cinema right now. It was dark, so Isaac won’t notice my pain. I pretended to laugh at some part of the movie. I knew it was kind of fake but at least, Isaac won’t suspect anything. After the movie, I asked Isaac to send me back because I’m very tired.
Through out the ride back home, I didn’t talk much. Isaac didn’t ask me why. Maybe he thought that I am too tired to talk much. I gave him a good night kiss and got down from the car. I took out my keys and quickly unlock my house door. I waved him goodbye again and closed the door. I dropped down when I was in the house. My leg felt so weak that I could hardly stand still. Mike who happened to come down to get a glass water quickly rush to me and carried me to my room. Then he poured me a glass of water and asked me to take my medicines. Of course I do as what he said. He was there the whole night watching over me. Making sure that I am doing fine.
30 - A Story (part 4-6)
Part 4
The next minute when I woke up, I found myself in a room with familiar smell. The smell of the antiseptic and the medicines. I wonder who send me to the hospital. I open my eyes slightly and saw a person sleeping on an armchair next to me. It’s Isaac. Oh my, why is he here? What should I tell him? Before I am able to sit up, my sister, Lyn walked in. Her footstep has wakened Isaac. He holds my hands telling me that he’s glad that I’m fine. Lyn told him that my blood sugar level was low and that was why I fainted in the hallway. I looked at Lyn, giving her a smile to thanks her for not telling him the truth. Isaac said that he should get going, and he will be back later to visit me. I told him it’s all; right, he doesn’t need to come back and I thank him for sending me here. Isaac’s expression has changed immediately. He looks sadder than before. I’m hurting him again. He must be very disappointed with me. But that’s how I want him to be. To be angry with me, upset with me, disappointed. He tried to smile at me and asked me to take care. Take care. I think by now, he has already given up on me.
I turned around and cover my face with the blanket. I do not know how to face the people around me. I had lied to my parents about Isaac; I had lied to everyone in this world, including myself. I hold myself from crying. I want to be the tough ones. Not the one who can easily broke into tears. The drips’ needle on my hand has caused me to feel uncomfortable. But I guess that I need to get use to it as in the future, I will be having the same thing again here, right on my hand.
Time passed quite slowly. I am nearly bored to death until I hear a knock on my door. It’s Amy. I greet her and thank her for visiting me and keep me from being so bored. She bought a bouquet of pink daisy flowers for me. Daisy is my favorite flower. Its petals are small. The colors are very beautiful and looking at it has always made me feel so calm. She placed the bouquet by my bedside and sat next to me on the bed. She pats me on my head. Smoothing my hair. Smiling at me gently. I told her that I am doing fine. It’s just my blood sugar level that’s low. That’s all. She nodded her head. We sat there in silence. I do not know what to say to her. Should I tell her the truth? Hmm… I guess no. Look at her now. She’s so worried sick about me. If I tell her the truth, it will be worse. So I decided to keep it. Maybe someday, when the time is right, I will tell her.
The nurse walked in to my room holding a tray of medicine in her hand. Medicine time. The time that I hate the most. “It’s a good day today girls. Why not you two take a walk out there after taking the medicine, Moon?” I smiled her. Amy poured a glass of water for me. I tried to swallow all the medicines as fast as I can. I don’t want Amy to suspect anything. I thank the nurse, Ms. Wong, for the medicines. She brought in a wheelchair for me. She said it’s best if I don’t walk myself. Both of them helped me on the wheelchair.
Amy pushed me to the lift. I joked around with her, telling her it’s quite comfortable sitting on this thing. I don’t need to walk myself. Amy smiled. She said the one who’s on the chair will be comfortable but the one that’s pushing need to use lots of energy because she need to push an “elephant” that’s sitting right on this chair. I turned around, look at her and both of us burst into laughter. Looks like the silence ice has break. She pushed me down to the garden. She told me that the whole class knew about me and some of them planned to pay me a visit. I asked Amy to pass my message to them, telling them that I’m fine and they don’t need to visit me, as I will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. She told me some of the things that happen in the class today, updating me on the lectures information.
With someone chatting with you will really make the time past very fast. It’s already 1800. Amy sends me back to my room and excuse herself. My family members came right after Amy left. My mom brought some clothes for me. She told me that they had dropped by the doctor’s clinic (which is located at the first floor of the hospital) earlier. The doctor wants me to stay for another two days so that he can do a full check-up for me. What can I say? Can I tell them no? I don’t think so. I have to agree. Urgh~~ another two boring days coming. I asked my sister to bring my laptop along tomorrow when she come and visit me. Lavina offered to stay back to accompany me. I told her to go back. I will be doing fine staying here alone. They went back after a while.
I hope that these two days will past very fast. My class had organized a trip to Bukit Tinggi Resort. It’s a 3 days 2 nights trip. I want to prepare my stuff for the trip. This may be the last class trip for me. After the doctor told us that I’ve stop reacting to my medicines, he said that the tumor in my brain might start spreading very fast. Thinking about it gave me a chill down my spine. Why do I have to face all these? Will I not be getting married and having my own children in the future? Will I have the chance to have all these happiness? I got down from my bed and sat at the armchair facing the window. I can’t get into sleep. I know I should have enough rest but I just can’t sleep. I flip a magazine, looking at all the pictures. Reading every article in the magazine. Without realizing, it’s already 0600.
I put down the magazine and walked around the room, trying to do some light stretching after sitting there the whole night. I miss my dance class as well. I turned on the mp3 player on my handphone and danced to the song that’s playing. I closed my eyes, trying to feel the presence of Isaac. Oh, there’s one thing that I want to tell you. Isaac was my dance partner before I stop dancing. There was when our relationship started. Sounds romantic right? We had waltzed together in a competition and managed to get 3rd place. I really miss that moment when we won. He hugged me right after they announced our winning and then he asked me whether I will be his girlfriend or not. That was a double happiness for me and was the most memorable moment. But that’s already a past. What I have to do now is to face the future, not keep looking back at my past.
The nurse knocked on my door and tells me that I need to get ready to do the scanning. She said that she’d be back in another 15 minutes to get me. I hate going through all these procedures. Putting me in machines, attaching me to so many things. It made me feel as if I am a doll. But I knew that by doing all these, the doctors will be able to keep up with my overall body health. This procedure took around 3 hours. After that, I was send back to my room.
I spent the whole afternoon all by myself. Lying around, thinking about what will I be facing in the future, how will I face it, how will the people around me react towards their acknowledge about my sickness. I fell asleep right after that. I woke up at night around 2100. My family members were there. They were all sitting around me. I smiled at them, asking them why they didn’t wake me up. They said they knew that I’m very tired and so they had let me sleep longer. We chat a little until I fell asleep again. The next day when I woke up, I saw Amy and a few more friends sitting at the corner of the room, chatting. I sat up and don’t know what to say to them. Amy told me that she had called my house and my parents told her that I’m still in the hospital. my parents had told her that since I’m already in the hospital, so they’ve decided to let me have a full body check-up as well. It was a Sunday morning. A gloomy Sunday morning.
“Hey, I’ll come and fetch you tomorrow morning when you’re discharge then we can go shopping together to get some stuff we need for the trip. How do you like that?”
“That’s the most brilliant idea. I can’t wait for tomorrow. I’m bored to death staying here in the hospital. Hahaha…”
They left the hospital after an hour of chatting. Girls. we can just talk about anything anywhere for a long duration. (Laugh). Before they left, we took a group photo together. I look so pale in that photo.
Today really past very fast. Maybe it’s because I have something to look forward to. Amy was waiting for me downstairs at the lobby the next morning. Mike helped me to bring home my other belongings and I left the hospital with Amy. We bought a few new clothes and each of us got a jacket with the same design. The overall is black in color with glittery purple lining at the bottom and the back of the jacket was written BFF. We agreed to wear it together during the trip. Amy sends me back after that.
My parents greeted me in he living room. They asked me to take a sit and they would like to tell me something. They said that Dr. Raj has dropped by that evening to see both of them. He had the result of my report. He said that there was a slight increase in my tumor size. I can feel my whole body got so weak. I don’t know what to say. I looked at my parents. They looked so worried. I am so scared at this point. I told them I want to take a rest early tonight. I took all my things and walked to my room. What can I do now? Should I accept the chemotherapy that the doctor has suggested? I decided to put this news away until the trip is over.
Two more days for the trip. I went to the hospital the next day to get my medicines. The doctor told me to be careful and if there’s any wrong with me, stay calm and don’t be panic. Call him if I need to. I took my medicines and say thank you to him. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me to take care of myself properly. Dr. Raj is really a nice and friendly person. He’s a caring middle age man with a wonderful family. He diagnosed me with my sickness few years’ back and he has taken care of me since then.
Part 5
My dad sends me to the campus on that day. He watched me board the bus. I can see that he looks worried for me. I assured him that I would take care of myself real good and if there’s anything, I will call them to pick me up. Isaac was in the same bus as me. He an his friends were like entertainer throughout the journey. They sang, danced, and gave us some riddles to guess. I think that the bus driver must be very frustrated with all the noises behind. I didn’t pay much attention to them as our bus was going up the hill. I can feel the pressure on my head. It makes my head as if it will burst. I closed my eyes trying to hold the pain. I can feel tear on my cheek. It’s really painful. Amy tapped my shoulder asking me if I’m alright. I told her it’s just the pressure and that I’m fine. She let me rest my head on her shoulder. When the bus arrived at the resort, my head was getting better.
We unload all the luggage bags and the guys were assigned to carry the girls bag to the room. Isaac offered himself to help Amy and I to carry the bags. I wanted to tell him we can handle it ourselves but before I could say so, Amy has already say ok. So I just follow behind them quietly. Looking at Isaac’s broad shoulder from behind, I just can’t hold myself from hugging him, telling him that I am sorry for all the things I’ve did. I don’t feel like lying to him anymore. But I can’t. We reach our room and he helps us to bring our luggage into the room. He turned around to me but I tried my best to avoid meeting his eyes. He walked out from the room after Amy said thank you. Amy closed the door behind me and asked me why am I being so rude to him. I didn’t answer her. I walked to my bed and lied on it. I drifted off to sleep again. Why am I feeling so sleepy all the time? Is it because of the medicine that I’ve taken?
During dinnertime, Amy woke me up. She said everyone is waiting in the restaurant. I told her that I’ll be there soon and had asked her to go first. I quickly change into a thicker sweater to keep me warm and grab my bag with the medicines in it. I closed the door behind me but accidentally dropped the card. I bent down to take it when I suddenly feel the dizziness again. I quickly hold on to the wall to get my balance. I pause for a few seconds and took a long breath after that. I stand up straight, walked slowly. The dizziness then slowly fades away. When I reach the restaurant, the guys were making the sound as if I’m a VIP entering the restaurant. Everyone laughed at it. I can feel my face was blushing a little. I apologized to everyone for being late. Then I took a seat next to Amy.
Amy told me that I look pale and my lips are very dry. I said maybe it’s because I just woke up and it will be better later. The dinner was served. Grilled chicken with coleslaw as the side dish and some mashed potato by the side. I scooped the mashed potato to Amy because I don’t like to eat it. The whole restaurant was really happening at that time. We can hear laughter of the people from my class and some of them were even singing. It was a bit hard for me to finish up the chicken because my throat felt very uncomfortable. I tried my best to finish it and excuse myself to the washroom. I took my medicines in the toilet cubicle because I’m afraid that other people will saw the amount of medicines I’m taking. It’s really a lot. Yuck. The pills were all very bitter. Why can’t those people invent medicines that taste sweet and with rainbow colors on it? I forced myself to swallow all of it. Then I walked back to my seat and took a long sip from the plain water served.
I sat there quietly the whole night, observing my friends. Trying to capture as many good memories as I can. The light was then suddenly dimmed and waltz music was played. They announced my name and Isaac’s. The lecturer had requested us to dance for everyone. My whole body tensed up. Isaac walked towards me, offering his hand. I have to accept it. I don’t want to embarrass him in front of other people. We walked to the center of the room. The music was restarted. We danced to the rhythm of the music. This has brought back the memories of us during the time in the dance school. Amazingly after so long, we can still be so compatible in our steps. We danced till the music stop. Everyone there including the waiters and waitresses gave us applause for our performance. I am really very happy at that time. I’ve not been dancing for so long and yet, I can still dance quite well. We bowed to our audiences. The dizziness came back again. I grabbed Isaac’s arm to avoid myself from falling. My leg felt so weak. I am so scared at that moment. My vision was blurring, I can hear buzzing noise. Isaac holds me by my shoulder. Trying to keep me from falling. Then in the buzzing noise, I can hear my name being called out. Then again, everything went blank.
I woke up lying in a field of lavender. The scent of the lavender has made me feel so calm. Then I hear my name being called. “Moon. Moon.” The clear blue sky suddenly turned red. The clouds were moving so fast. It looks like a fast-forwarded film.
I opened my eyes slowly because the lights were quite bright. I saw Amy, Isaac, and my parents by my side. Why were my parents here? Have I fainted for a long time? Then I saw Dr. Raj walking in. At this time, I knew that Amy and Isaac have already been told about my sickness. I shut my eyes again hoping that all these were just a dream. Then I open my eyes again. They were there. These were no dreams. How I wish I could just drift off back into the lavender field and be there forever …
Part 6
I laid on the bed closing my eyes tightly. All I want to do now is to hide away from them. But I know that I can’t hide away from all these. I opened my eyes again, looking at them. They were all standing in a circle, discussing something in low voice. I tried to rise up from my bed. But I couldn’t. I can feel my whole was very numb. I called Dr. Raj, but my voice was stuttering. I called Dr. Raj for a few time until I can say it out a bit louder. All of them turned to me at the same time. This part really looks hilarious. They look so animated. Dr. Raj walked to me, patting me on my head. I told him that my whole body felt so numb. He looked at me and told me that this was also one of the symptoms from my sickness. He said that his would go away after a while. He passed me some medicines to eat.
My parents and Dr. Raj left the room leaving Isaac and Amy with me. Both of them were standing at the end of the bed looking at me. The first thing I said to them was sorry. That was what I wanted to say the most. The room was in a silence for a while, and then Amy asked me why I want to hide this away from them.
“ I am so sorry, Amy, Isaac. When I was diagnosed with this sickness, I myself couldn’t accept it at first. Then I slowly accepted it and had doubt whether or not to tell both of you. That time it was just the first stage. I don’t want both of you to be sad over this thing. Isaac, the reason why I’m acting so mean towards you is that I don’t want you to be sad after I leave this world. I thought that without me by your side, you can still live happily. I didn’t know that it would make you feel so sad. I really owe both of you infinity of apologies.”
Both of them looked at me as if they’re trying to study my mind. I looked at both of them. My heart was beating very fast. At last, they found out about it. How will they react towards me? I really don’t dare to think any further. Isaac walked towards my bedside. He hugged me so tightly. I can feel his warm tears on my shoulder. “You’re really silly, Moon. How can you think that I will be happy without you by my side? During this period without you by my side, it was really a hell for me. You had made me so confuse about everything. I am very stupid also. How I can I not notice that you’re not feeling well? Oh my, we had gone around the bush for this. Will you give me another chance to take care of you? I really do hope that you’ll let me to do so,” said Isaac, still hugging me so tightly. I whispered to his ears telling him I’m sorry again and yes. I would like to give myself a chance to be with him again. I hugged him with all my strengths, but it’s also considered a very weak hug.
Amy standing there looking at us with tears in her eyes. I let go of my hand from Isaac and hugged Amy. I told her I am really sorry for lying to her, for not sharing my secret with her as what we had promised. Suddenly everyone burst into laughter. Three of us hugging and crying in a room, it really look very dramatic. Isaac holds my hand and he told me that he’d be by my side to fight the time bomb in my brain. I asked them not to tell others about me, as I don’t want them to think that I’m a weird person or something. I want others to treat me as a normal person. Both of them promised that they will keep it and asked me not to worry too much about all these.
The next morning, I followed my parents and Dr. Raj back to KL. Looks like my last trip has not been working out very well and I think I’ve spoiled everyone’s first night last night. I asked my parents to ask the lecture to keep it as a secret. I don’t want everyone to know about it. I told Amy sorry for having to leave her behind in this trip. I gave her a hug. Then I hugged Isaac and told him not to worry and I want him to enjoy this trip on be half of me as well. I went into the car. I felt so reluctant to leave. But I have to. Dr. Raj wants me to be admitted into the hospital again for a few days so that he could monitor me.
We dropped by my house and packed some clothes to bring over to the hospital. I brought along a pot of daisy flower to decorate the room. You know, hospital wardroom is very plain and the surrounding doesn’t give you a comfortable environment. So, I have to decorate it a bit so that it will be more comfortable.
I greeted the nurse at the reception of the floor. I knew some of them quite well because they always take care of me during my stays there. It was raining out there. My parents excuse themselves after a while because they said they need to get back to the office for some follow up. They’ll be back tomorrow. They kissed me on my forehead telling me that they love me. I smiled to them and told them I love them too. I sat in the room alone, listening to the tapping sound of the rain on the window. I took out my laptop and viewed some photo that I’ve taken in the past. All the good memories. I smiled when I turn to every picture.
There was this picture of Amy and I, both covered with mud. That was taken when we went for a field trip. Both of us slipped and fell into a puddle of mud. One of the classmates managed to capture it. Then I opened the file where there’s photo of Isaac and I. I love the way Isaac smiled to the camera. It’s so sweet. After finish looking at all the pictures, I turned on some music. I lied on the bed, reading the handbook about brain tumor that was given to me by Dr. Raj. He said that I should learn about this a little so that if I feel anything is not right, I will know what’s happening.
I came to the part where it said that we will have difficulty in speech and walking, and may subsequently have hearing loss. Our vision will not be very good also. I put away the book. I don’t want to read it anymore. I am scared to face all these. Loosing my hearing? Loosing my clear vision? How am I going to be if I can’t hear anything or see anything? All these questions played in my mind. It made me felt a bit frustrated. I decided to sleep. Thinking about all these will not help much anyway.
The next minute when I woke up, I found myself in a room with familiar smell. The smell of the antiseptic and the medicines. I wonder who send me to the hospital. I open my eyes slightly and saw a person sleeping on an armchair next to me. It’s Isaac. Oh my, why is he here? What should I tell him? Before I am able to sit up, my sister, Lyn walked in. Her footstep has wakened Isaac. He holds my hands telling me that he’s glad that I’m fine. Lyn told him that my blood sugar level was low and that was why I fainted in the hallway. I looked at Lyn, giving her a smile to thanks her for not telling him the truth. Isaac said that he should get going, and he will be back later to visit me. I told him it’s all; right, he doesn’t need to come back and I thank him for sending me here. Isaac’s expression has changed immediately. He looks sadder than before. I’m hurting him again. He must be very disappointed with me. But that’s how I want him to be. To be angry with me, upset with me, disappointed. He tried to smile at me and asked me to take care. Take care. I think by now, he has already given up on me.
I turned around and cover my face with the blanket. I do not know how to face the people around me. I had lied to my parents about Isaac; I had lied to everyone in this world, including myself. I hold myself from crying. I want to be the tough ones. Not the one who can easily broke into tears. The drips’ needle on my hand has caused me to feel uncomfortable. But I guess that I need to get use to it as in the future, I will be having the same thing again here, right on my hand.
Time passed quite slowly. I am nearly bored to death until I hear a knock on my door. It’s Amy. I greet her and thank her for visiting me and keep me from being so bored. She bought a bouquet of pink daisy flowers for me. Daisy is my favorite flower. Its petals are small. The colors are very beautiful and looking at it has always made me feel so calm. She placed the bouquet by my bedside and sat next to me on the bed. She pats me on my head. Smoothing my hair. Smiling at me gently. I told her that I am doing fine. It’s just my blood sugar level that’s low. That’s all. She nodded her head. We sat there in silence. I do not know what to say to her. Should I tell her the truth? Hmm… I guess no. Look at her now. She’s so worried sick about me. If I tell her the truth, it will be worse. So I decided to keep it. Maybe someday, when the time is right, I will tell her.
The nurse walked in to my room holding a tray of medicine in her hand. Medicine time. The time that I hate the most. “It’s a good day today girls. Why not you two take a walk out there after taking the medicine, Moon?” I smiled her. Amy poured a glass of water for me. I tried to swallow all the medicines as fast as I can. I don’t want Amy to suspect anything. I thank the nurse, Ms. Wong, for the medicines. She brought in a wheelchair for me. She said it’s best if I don’t walk myself. Both of them helped me on the wheelchair.
Amy pushed me to the lift. I joked around with her, telling her it’s quite comfortable sitting on this thing. I don’t need to walk myself. Amy smiled. She said the one who’s on the chair will be comfortable but the one that’s pushing need to use lots of energy because she need to push an “elephant” that’s sitting right on this chair. I turned around, look at her and both of us burst into laughter. Looks like the silence ice has break. She pushed me down to the garden. She told me that the whole class knew about me and some of them planned to pay me a visit. I asked Amy to pass my message to them, telling them that I’m fine and they don’t need to visit me, as I will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. She told me some of the things that happen in the class today, updating me on the lectures information.
With someone chatting with you will really make the time past very fast. It’s already 1800. Amy sends me back to my room and excuse herself. My family members came right after Amy left. My mom brought some clothes for me. She told me that they had dropped by the doctor’s clinic (which is located at the first floor of the hospital) earlier. The doctor wants me to stay for another two days so that he can do a full check-up for me. What can I say? Can I tell them no? I don’t think so. I have to agree. Urgh~~ another two boring days coming. I asked my sister to bring my laptop along tomorrow when she come and visit me. Lavina offered to stay back to accompany me. I told her to go back. I will be doing fine staying here alone. They went back after a while.
I hope that these two days will past very fast. My class had organized a trip to Bukit Tinggi Resort. It’s a 3 days 2 nights trip. I want to prepare my stuff for the trip. This may be the last class trip for me. After the doctor told us that I’ve stop reacting to my medicines, he said that the tumor in my brain might start spreading very fast. Thinking about it gave me a chill down my spine. Why do I have to face all these? Will I not be getting married and having my own children in the future? Will I have the chance to have all these happiness? I got down from my bed and sat at the armchair facing the window. I can’t get into sleep. I know I should have enough rest but I just can’t sleep. I flip a magazine, looking at all the pictures. Reading every article in the magazine. Without realizing, it’s already 0600.
I put down the magazine and walked around the room, trying to do some light stretching after sitting there the whole night. I miss my dance class as well. I turned on the mp3 player on my handphone and danced to the song that’s playing. I closed my eyes, trying to feel the presence of Isaac. Oh, there’s one thing that I want to tell you. Isaac was my dance partner before I stop dancing. There was when our relationship started. Sounds romantic right? We had waltzed together in a competition and managed to get 3rd place. I really miss that moment when we won. He hugged me right after they announced our winning and then he asked me whether I will be his girlfriend or not. That was a double happiness for me and was the most memorable moment. But that’s already a past. What I have to do now is to face the future, not keep looking back at my past.
The nurse knocked on my door and tells me that I need to get ready to do the scanning. She said that she’d be back in another 15 minutes to get me. I hate going through all these procedures. Putting me in machines, attaching me to so many things. It made me feel as if I am a doll. But I knew that by doing all these, the doctors will be able to keep up with my overall body health. This procedure took around 3 hours. After that, I was send back to my room.
I spent the whole afternoon all by myself. Lying around, thinking about what will I be facing in the future, how will I face it, how will the people around me react towards their acknowledge about my sickness. I fell asleep right after that. I woke up at night around 2100. My family members were there. They were all sitting around me. I smiled at them, asking them why they didn’t wake me up. They said they knew that I’m very tired and so they had let me sleep longer. We chat a little until I fell asleep again. The next day when I woke up, I saw Amy and a few more friends sitting at the corner of the room, chatting. I sat up and don’t know what to say to them. Amy told me that she had called my house and my parents told her that I’m still in the hospital. my parents had told her that since I’m already in the hospital, so they’ve decided to let me have a full body check-up as well. It was a Sunday morning. A gloomy Sunday morning.
“Hey, I’ll come and fetch you tomorrow morning when you’re discharge then we can go shopping together to get some stuff we need for the trip. How do you like that?”
“That’s the most brilliant idea. I can’t wait for tomorrow. I’m bored to death staying here in the hospital. Hahaha…”
They left the hospital after an hour of chatting. Girls. we can just talk about anything anywhere for a long duration. (Laugh). Before they left, we took a group photo together. I look so pale in that photo.
Today really past very fast. Maybe it’s because I have something to look forward to. Amy was waiting for me downstairs at the lobby the next morning. Mike helped me to bring home my other belongings and I left the hospital with Amy. We bought a few new clothes and each of us got a jacket with the same design. The overall is black in color with glittery purple lining at the bottom and the back of the jacket was written BFF. We agreed to wear it together during the trip. Amy sends me back after that.
My parents greeted me in he living room. They asked me to take a sit and they would like to tell me something. They said that Dr. Raj has dropped by that evening to see both of them. He had the result of my report. He said that there was a slight increase in my tumor size. I can feel my whole body got so weak. I don’t know what to say. I looked at my parents. They looked so worried. I am so scared at this point. I told them I want to take a rest early tonight. I took all my things and walked to my room. What can I do now? Should I accept the chemotherapy that the doctor has suggested? I decided to put this news away until the trip is over.
Two more days for the trip. I went to the hospital the next day to get my medicines. The doctor told me to be careful and if there’s any wrong with me, stay calm and don’t be panic. Call him if I need to. I took my medicines and say thank you to him. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me to take care of myself properly. Dr. Raj is really a nice and friendly person. He’s a caring middle age man with a wonderful family. He diagnosed me with my sickness few years’ back and he has taken care of me since then.
Part 5
My dad sends me to the campus on that day. He watched me board the bus. I can see that he looks worried for me. I assured him that I would take care of myself real good and if there’s anything, I will call them to pick me up. Isaac was in the same bus as me. He an his friends were like entertainer throughout the journey. They sang, danced, and gave us some riddles to guess. I think that the bus driver must be very frustrated with all the noises behind. I didn’t pay much attention to them as our bus was going up the hill. I can feel the pressure on my head. It makes my head as if it will burst. I closed my eyes trying to hold the pain. I can feel tear on my cheek. It’s really painful. Amy tapped my shoulder asking me if I’m alright. I told her it’s just the pressure and that I’m fine. She let me rest my head on her shoulder. When the bus arrived at the resort, my head was getting better.
We unload all the luggage bags and the guys were assigned to carry the girls bag to the room. Isaac offered himself to help Amy and I to carry the bags. I wanted to tell him we can handle it ourselves but before I could say so, Amy has already say ok. So I just follow behind them quietly. Looking at Isaac’s broad shoulder from behind, I just can’t hold myself from hugging him, telling him that I am sorry for all the things I’ve did. I don’t feel like lying to him anymore. But I can’t. We reach our room and he helps us to bring our luggage into the room. He turned around to me but I tried my best to avoid meeting his eyes. He walked out from the room after Amy said thank you. Amy closed the door behind me and asked me why am I being so rude to him. I didn’t answer her. I walked to my bed and lied on it. I drifted off to sleep again. Why am I feeling so sleepy all the time? Is it because of the medicine that I’ve taken?
During dinnertime, Amy woke me up. She said everyone is waiting in the restaurant. I told her that I’ll be there soon and had asked her to go first. I quickly change into a thicker sweater to keep me warm and grab my bag with the medicines in it. I closed the door behind me but accidentally dropped the card. I bent down to take it when I suddenly feel the dizziness again. I quickly hold on to the wall to get my balance. I pause for a few seconds and took a long breath after that. I stand up straight, walked slowly. The dizziness then slowly fades away. When I reach the restaurant, the guys were making the sound as if I’m a VIP entering the restaurant. Everyone laughed at it. I can feel my face was blushing a little. I apologized to everyone for being late. Then I took a seat next to Amy.
Amy told me that I look pale and my lips are very dry. I said maybe it’s because I just woke up and it will be better later. The dinner was served. Grilled chicken with coleslaw as the side dish and some mashed potato by the side. I scooped the mashed potato to Amy because I don’t like to eat it. The whole restaurant was really happening at that time. We can hear laughter of the people from my class and some of them were even singing. It was a bit hard for me to finish up the chicken because my throat felt very uncomfortable. I tried my best to finish it and excuse myself to the washroom. I took my medicines in the toilet cubicle because I’m afraid that other people will saw the amount of medicines I’m taking. It’s really a lot. Yuck. The pills were all very bitter. Why can’t those people invent medicines that taste sweet and with rainbow colors on it? I forced myself to swallow all of it. Then I walked back to my seat and took a long sip from the plain water served.
I sat there quietly the whole night, observing my friends. Trying to capture as many good memories as I can. The light was then suddenly dimmed and waltz music was played. They announced my name and Isaac’s. The lecturer had requested us to dance for everyone. My whole body tensed up. Isaac walked towards me, offering his hand. I have to accept it. I don’t want to embarrass him in front of other people. We walked to the center of the room. The music was restarted. We danced to the rhythm of the music. This has brought back the memories of us during the time in the dance school. Amazingly after so long, we can still be so compatible in our steps. We danced till the music stop. Everyone there including the waiters and waitresses gave us applause for our performance. I am really very happy at that time. I’ve not been dancing for so long and yet, I can still dance quite well. We bowed to our audiences. The dizziness came back again. I grabbed Isaac’s arm to avoid myself from falling. My leg felt so weak. I am so scared at that moment. My vision was blurring, I can hear buzzing noise. Isaac holds me by my shoulder. Trying to keep me from falling. Then in the buzzing noise, I can hear my name being called out. Then again, everything went blank.
I woke up lying in a field of lavender. The scent of the lavender has made me feel so calm. Then I hear my name being called. “Moon. Moon.” The clear blue sky suddenly turned red. The clouds were moving so fast. It looks like a fast-forwarded film.
I opened my eyes slowly because the lights were quite bright. I saw Amy, Isaac, and my parents by my side. Why were my parents here? Have I fainted for a long time? Then I saw Dr. Raj walking in. At this time, I knew that Amy and Isaac have already been told about my sickness. I shut my eyes again hoping that all these were just a dream. Then I open my eyes again. They were there. These were no dreams. How I wish I could just drift off back into the lavender field and be there forever …
Part 6
I laid on the bed closing my eyes tightly. All I want to do now is to hide away from them. But I know that I can’t hide away from all these. I opened my eyes again, looking at them. They were all standing in a circle, discussing something in low voice. I tried to rise up from my bed. But I couldn’t. I can feel my whole was very numb. I called Dr. Raj, but my voice was stuttering. I called Dr. Raj for a few time until I can say it out a bit louder. All of them turned to me at the same time. This part really looks hilarious. They look so animated. Dr. Raj walked to me, patting me on my head. I told him that my whole body felt so numb. He looked at me and told me that this was also one of the symptoms from my sickness. He said that his would go away after a while. He passed me some medicines to eat.
My parents and Dr. Raj left the room leaving Isaac and Amy with me. Both of them were standing at the end of the bed looking at me. The first thing I said to them was sorry. That was what I wanted to say the most. The room was in a silence for a while, and then Amy asked me why I want to hide this away from them.
“ I am so sorry, Amy, Isaac. When I was diagnosed with this sickness, I myself couldn’t accept it at first. Then I slowly accepted it and had doubt whether or not to tell both of you. That time it was just the first stage. I don’t want both of you to be sad over this thing. Isaac, the reason why I’m acting so mean towards you is that I don’t want you to be sad after I leave this world. I thought that without me by your side, you can still live happily. I didn’t know that it would make you feel so sad. I really owe both of you infinity of apologies.”
Both of them looked at me as if they’re trying to study my mind. I looked at both of them. My heart was beating very fast. At last, they found out about it. How will they react towards me? I really don’t dare to think any further. Isaac walked towards my bedside. He hugged me so tightly. I can feel his warm tears on my shoulder. “You’re really silly, Moon. How can you think that I will be happy without you by my side? During this period without you by my side, it was really a hell for me. You had made me so confuse about everything. I am very stupid also. How I can I not notice that you’re not feeling well? Oh my, we had gone around the bush for this. Will you give me another chance to take care of you? I really do hope that you’ll let me to do so,” said Isaac, still hugging me so tightly. I whispered to his ears telling him I’m sorry again and yes. I would like to give myself a chance to be with him again. I hugged him with all my strengths, but it’s also considered a very weak hug.
Amy standing there looking at us with tears in her eyes. I let go of my hand from Isaac and hugged Amy. I told her I am really sorry for lying to her, for not sharing my secret with her as what we had promised. Suddenly everyone burst into laughter. Three of us hugging and crying in a room, it really look very dramatic. Isaac holds my hand and he told me that he’d be by my side to fight the time bomb in my brain. I asked them not to tell others about me, as I don’t want them to think that I’m a weird person or something. I want others to treat me as a normal person. Both of them promised that they will keep it and asked me not to worry too much about all these.
The next morning, I followed my parents and Dr. Raj back to KL. Looks like my last trip has not been working out very well and I think I’ve spoiled everyone’s first night last night. I asked my parents to ask the lecture to keep it as a secret. I don’t want everyone to know about it. I told Amy sorry for having to leave her behind in this trip. I gave her a hug. Then I hugged Isaac and told him not to worry and I want him to enjoy this trip on be half of me as well. I went into the car. I felt so reluctant to leave. But I have to. Dr. Raj wants me to be admitted into the hospital again for a few days so that he could monitor me.
We dropped by my house and packed some clothes to bring over to the hospital. I brought along a pot of daisy flower to decorate the room. You know, hospital wardroom is very plain and the surrounding doesn’t give you a comfortable environment. So, I have to decorate it a bit so that it will be more comfortable.
I greeted the nurse at the reception of the floor. I knew some of them quite well because they always take care of me during my stays there. It was raining out there. My parents excuse themselves after a while because they said they need to get back to the office for some follow up. They’ll be back tomorrow. They kissed me on my forehead telling me that they love me. I smiled to them and told them I love them too. I sat in the room alone, listening to the tapping sound of the rain on the window. I took out my laptop and viewed some photo that I’ve taken in the past. All the good memories. I smiled when I turn to every picture.
There was this picture of Amy and I, both covered with mud. That was taken when we went for a field trip. Both of us slipped and fell into a puddle of mud. One of the classmates managed to capture it. Then I opened the file where there’s photo of Isaac and I. I love the way Isaac smiled to the camera. It’s so sweet. After finish looking at all the pictures, I turned on some music. I lied on the bed, reading the handbook about brain tumor that was given to me by Dr. Raj. He said that I should learn about this a little so that if I feel anything is not right, I will know what’s happening.
I came to the part where it said that we will have difficulty in speech and walking, and may subsequently have hearing loss. Our vision will not be very good also. I put away the book. I don’t want to read it anymore. I am scared to face all these. Loosing my hearing? Loosing my clear vision? How am I going to be if I can’t hear anything or see anything? All these questions played in my mind. It made me felt a bit frustrated. I decided to sleep. Thinking about all these will not help much anyway.
29 - A Story (part 1-3)
Part 1
Beds of daisy flower surrounding me. I can smell the sweet scent of it. Here I am, lying in this box, dressed up in my favorite floral dress. I knew that today will come to me and I will be freed from the pain and suffers that I’ve been going through all these while. But I also knew that this would cause my love ones a lot of pain.
I was there, at my own funeral that morning. I saw my parents’ red puffy eyes due to lack of sleep and tiredness of crying. My siblings were standing there in silence. My friends, some were crying and some were just staring. And then I saw the guy that I had once loved, standing in a corner with his teary eyes. I would really like to say sorry to him at this moment but I know that he won’t be able to hear my voice.
Before I left this world, I had written a note and had asked the nurse to pass it to my family when I died.
“Dear all, I know that I won’t be staying long in this world anymore as I am not tough enough to fight these demons away. I can feel the presence of the one that will lead me to another world. And so I've written a note and had asked Ms. Wong to keep it until the day I leave this world
Without me by your side, I know that it will make a bit of difference, but I hope you all will be able to get use to it. Every living human will leave this world one day; it’s just a matter of when. I hope that you all will not be sad with me leaving you all. I do not want to see you all crying over me, as I am afraid that this will rub off the good memories that you and I had ever had. I want you to remember me as the happy girl and I want you to smile whenever you thought of me.
Here I would like to say goodbye to everyone and thank you for everything. I am a truly lucky person to have all of you by my side whenever I need you the most. I had lived a good life with so many blessings. I leave this world with no regret. Thank you again to everyone especially my parents. Till we meet again in the after life, goodbye and take care. Love, Moon.”
The nurse that had taken care of me had read out this note. Everyone was in silence after she finishes reading it. Some music was played before the coffin cover was sealed. I see myself loaded into a car to be sent to the cremation centre...
*
It was a rainy evening when I called him out. We have not been seeing each other since last month. He sounds really happy over the phone and I know that after our meeting, he will hate me for what I’ve done. But I do not care because I don’t want to see him to be hurt even more in the future.
We met up in a cafeteria where we once date. He walked in with a big smile on his face and he holds my hand so tightly when he sat down. I can feel my heart burning inside but I know that I must tell him this.
“Dear, at last you want to meet up with me. This is the happiest moment of my life.” He hugged me right after he finished his words. I pulled myself out of his arm and took a sip from the drink that I’ve ordered earlier. Chocolate milkshake. He sat back and look at me with a lot of question marks in his head, I believe.
“I would like to break up with you. I can’t stand this any longer. I can’t see any more future in our relationship. I just want the best for both of us so I think that if we live our life separately will be better. That is all I want to say to you today. I am sorry to disappoint you, Isaac. Bye.” I grabbed my bag and walked off. I know that I am being very mean in there but I don’t care. I know that if our relationship go any further, he will be more hurt than today. I took out the car key from my bag when I heard some one calling my name from behind. Isaac was running out, chasing after me. I quickly unlock the door and jumped in. He ran to my car and was knocking on the window, begging me to open it. Asking for another chance. Apologizing. This is not his fault at all. It’s mine. I couldn’t lift up my head to look at him. I felt really bad deep inside for hurting this guy that I love. I quickly start the engine and drive myself out from the parking lot.
I can feel the warm tears rolling down my cheeks. I do not bother to wipe it off, as all I want is to get back home as quickly as possible and bury myself under the comforter. The rain drops on my windscreen made a simultaneous ‘tick-tack-tick-tack’ sound. It sounds a bit like the clock ticking, telling me that I don’t have much time left.
I pulled my car into the garage and walked straight into my room. I buried myself under the comforter for the whole night. I cried till I fall to sleep.
“Wake up. Do you want to be late for your class?” I can hear my mom calling from downstairs. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. It was a bit puffy. And I know it will be a long day for me today. I pulled myself out of the bed and into the bathroom. I got a shock when I look into the mirror. My nose was bleeding. I quickly grab some tissue and stuck it up my nose to stop the bleed. I can’t let my parents know about this. I don’t want them to worry about me. My sickness has already caused them a lot of trouble and now I don’t want them to get worried over this little thing. I prepared myself and tried to look good so that they wont suspect anything. I grabbed my breakfast and told them I’m late for class. I quickly walk to my car. I was praying hard that I wouldn’t bump into Isaac today. I don’t know what to say to him. I drive slowly down the road, taking my own sweet time, enjoying the neighborhood scenery…
Part 2
It took me around an hour to reach the university today. Why? I keep turning into the wrong junction. I do not why this happen because I’ve been driving to the same university, using the same old road for about a year plus and yet I keep taking a wrong turning. Is it because I’m afraid to go to uni and is afraid to bump into Isaac? I really don’t know. I drove into the parking lot in the campus compound. The parking is quite full that morning and so I drive as slow as possible trying to spot an empty lot. I parked my car under the tree and make sure that I’ve locked the car and I walk slowly towards the block where my class is located.
“Moon.” I heard a familiar voice from behind. I turned and saw my friend, Amy waving and jogging towards me. I greet her with a smile (which I think is quite fake) when she reached. We chat a little while walking to the class and suddenly she asked me about Isaac. We stopped and looked at each other. I don’t know what to tell her. In my mind, I was trying to construct a good lie to tell Amy. Gosh… I really don’t know what to tell her. I signaled her to the class and told her that I’ll tell her later during the break. She said Ok and we continue walking to the class.
I couldn’t pay any attention towards the lecture. I was looking around the lecture hall to see if there’s any sight of Isaac or his friends. I was glad that they had skipped the class as usual. I was glad they’re not around but on the other hand, I am worried about Isaac too. Am I being too harsh yesterday? And what am I going to tell Amy about us? How I wish the time could just stop at this moment forever so that I do not need to face all these things.
“Alright students, that’s all for today. Please go back home and do some revision for your next week’s exam. Don’t be laidback.” Dr. Hera grinned when she end her sentence. Dr. Hera is really a sweet lady. Amy quickly packs her stuff and told me that she’ll meet me outside. I put all my stuff into the bag and walked as slow as I can. Amy suggested that we talk in the café nearby because here is just too noisy for us to talk. I said Ok. We walked there in silence.
We ordered our drinks and some food to eat. “So, Moon, can you tell me what had happened between you and Isaac? He called me last night and had asked about you. He said he don’t understand why you want to break up with him.” I stare at Amy’s face for a few seconds. I know that Amy really care about me. She knows that I really love Isaac very much. She must be confused about my action. “Amy, the reason why I broke up with him is that… I think that we’re not compatible for each other. I think that I can’t give him enough happiness and sense of belongingness. Do you understand what I said? I do not want to drag our relationship any further. I know that I am very mean in this, but I really can’t take it any longer. I hope that he’ll find another girl that could give him more happiness than I do.”
Amy looks at me and smile. She said she understands. Amy is the greatest friend that I’ve ever met. We have been friends for about 10 years and each time if I have any problem, she will be there to help me out. We basically know each other’s secret but there’s one thing that she don’t know about me. It’s the sickness that I have. Brain tumor. I don’t intend to keep this secret from her, but I know that if I tell her about my sickness, she will be very upset and she’ll be extra protective over me. I want her to treat me as a normal person, enjoying all the activities together, having fun with each other. This is why I keep this secret from her. I am sorry, Amy.
We had our meal, gossiping about some people from the class. She knows that I do not want to mention about Isaac anymore. I am really grateful that I have such a wonderful friend by my side. We finished up our food and I offered to send Amy back. We walked back to the car, humming our favorite song together. It was around 1730 when I send Amy back. We gave each other a hug and said goodbye.
I never knew that THE day would come to me so fast. My doctor called my family and I to meet him at his clinic. He told us that the medicines that I’m taking now no longer have effect on me. He recommends me to undergo chemotherapy which I always rejected. He asked us to prepare because things would get worse. My parents and my other siblings kept quiet all the way back home. Maybe they just can’t accept this. I tried my best to convince them that things will be all right. There may be a new kind of medicine that will be invented tomorrow or next week for me. Or maybe that thing in my head will disappear the next morning when I wake up. Nothing is impossible. I talked a lot in the car throughout the journey. My mom smiled at me, and my sisters and brother trying to make fun out of what I’ve said. I knew that things would never be the same from today…
Part 3
At last, our final exam has come. Having quite a bit of confidence, I walked in to the exam hall, looking around for Amy. We always sit near to each other during exam. And there she is. I spotted her, sitting next to the window and she has reserved the seat in front of her for me. I put down my bag and unload my stationeries from the pencil case. The clock shows 11pm and the examiner announced that we may begin. I was excited to see some familiar question in that paper. Ok. This time, I really hope that I will score well. I read the questions, scanning through the multiple-choice answers and circling the answers.
Suddenly I feel that my nose is like a bit wet. I pulled out a piece of tissue paper from my pocket and wipe my nose. I saw blood on it. I got a shock. I quickly raise my hand to signal that I want to go to the washroom. I cover my nose and quickly walk out from the hall. I looked around in the washroom to see whether there’s anyone there or not. No. I locked the door and quickly wash the blood away. This is the symptom of the rejection of the medicine, as what the doctor has told me. I tilt my head backwards trying to stop the blood. After a while, the blood has stop. I walked back into the hall. On the way back into the hall, I came across Isaac. He was standing in the hallway, waiting for his friends. He smiled at me and he opened his mouth to say something to me, but I quickly walked away.
I went back to my seat and tried to concentrate at the paper. 30 minutes left. I tried to finish up all the questions as quickly as I can. Times up. The examiners start collecting our answer sheet. I managed to circle the last answer on the sheet before the examiner reach my seat. I turned behind and gave Amy a wink. As we walked out from the hall, I told her that I am in a hurry to get back home. I gave her a hug and told her that I’ll call her tonight. I jogged slightly down the hallway. When I reach my car, I saw Isaac standing there. He greets me and asked me whether I’m free for a drink or not. I told him that I’m busy and asked him to stop asking me out. Yes, I know. It’s another mean attitude towards him. But that’s the only way to make him give up on me.
He gives way for me to get into my car. He looks at me as I drive past him. I am sorry for making you this way. I am really sorry, Isaac.
Right after I reach home, the first thing that I thought of is to get some food to shut my growling stomach up. When I walked into the kitchen, my sister looked at me with her eyes wide open. Then she put her finger over her nose. I followed what she did and I noticed that there’s blood coming out from the nose, again. I dropped my bag on the floor and grabbed some tissue to wipe it off. Then I twisted some tissue and stuck it up my nose. I tried to make fun of that thing in my nose. Trying to make my little sister laugh at me, but she was too shocked. She helped me to clean up the mess that I’ve made.
Now let me introduce my little sister to you. She’s 18 this year. Yes I know, she’s no longer a baby girl, and I shouldn’t call her little…but she is really quite little in term of her size. She’s a petite girl with a sweet smile and a beautiful black long hair. She loves it when I call her little sister. She said the way I call her made her feel so pampered. Lavina is an independent girl. She knows that my parents are always busy with their work, and so she tend to keep herself out of trouble so that we won’t be worrying over her. And of course, she knew about my sickness and she always told me that she’d take care of everything whenever I don’t feel well. As a sister of hers’, I am really proud of her.
Another sister, Lyn, who’s older than me by two years are now working in a physiotherapy centre. She has just graduated from her course. During her graduation ceremony, our whole family was there and we took a family photo with the bright blue sky as the background and the fresh green grass on the ground. That’s my favorite picture of all. Everyone looks good in it. Lyn is a wonderful sister to me. She always help me in my chores and sometimes, in my homework. (Grinning).
And yes, I have another brother. Mike. He’s 25 years old. 4 years older than me. My brother is working in the fashion design line since his graduation. I love to see his creation. It’s so beautiful that sometimes, I asked him to let me wear his creation. There was once I helped him out to model his clothes. It was quite an experience. I get to learn a lot from there. Posing for a photography shoot is not as easy as what everyone thinks.
All right, that’s all about my siblings whom I’m proud of. My parents both came back at the same time later that evening. My dad suggested that we should have a pizza night out. All of us cheer to it and we quickly get change. The radio was playing a song by Taylor Swift, Love Story. My sisters and I sang along. My dad teased us about our singing. We laughed all the way to the Domino’s. I really like it when there’s a family night out. We can get to understand each other more and our bonding will be stronger.
The nosebleed incident that happened earlier, I told Lavina not to tell others. I don’t want them to get worried. She agrees to keep it as a secret. A secret between us. I felt kind of stuffy in the restaurant and so I excuse myself to get some fresh air outside. I walked outside the restaurant, kicking the pebbles on the ground. I was looking at the ground until I bump into a guy. I lifted my head and I saw Isaac. I turned around trying to ignore him but he grabbed me by my arm. I tried to pull away but I couldn’t. So I just stand there waiting for him to release my arm but I don’t dare to face him.
He pulled me close to him. I can smell his scent. Scents that always make me feel safe and protected. I hold my self from bursting out in tears. I hold myself from trembling. He whispered to me, asking me how could I do this to him and myself. I stay in silence. He then let go of me. He knew that no matter what he say, I will not listen because once I’ve made a decision, I will not pull it back. I turned around and walked back into the restaurant. I put a wide smile on my face when I sit down. My parents knew that I’ve already broke up with Isaac and they thought that there were really problems between us. They didn’t ask me much about our relationship. The pizzas that we ordered were served. As usual, Mike and Lavina like to pick up all the pineapples on the pizza. We joke and laughed throughout our dinner.
That night when we went back home, I found a letter sticking on my room’s window. I knew it’s from Isaac base on the handwriting. I opened the letter and read it.
“Dear Moon,
I called your handphone and you didn’t pick it up. I know that you’re still angry with me. So I’ve decided to write you this letter.
Moon, can you tell me what I’ve done that make you feel so upset towards me? (You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re the best person that I’ve ever met, that I truly love). I am really sorry for not realizing my mistakes. (No Isaac, it’s not your mistake. It’s mine.) Can you give me another chance to be with you again? I swear I will not make you feel the same way you do now. I swear that I’ll change myself. Please, Moon, please forgive me.
With all my heart to you,
Isaac”
I bring the letter close to me. I cried after reading the letter. I really don’t know that my decision will make Isaac to blame himself and be so sad. God, what should I do now? I can’t let him know about my sickness. He will be more hurt that way. I sat at the corner of my room, hugging myself and rocking back and forth. What should I do now? Who can I talk to? Sister? No, I don’t want them to be worried. Amy? No. I sat there for the whole night. Holding that piece of letter in my hand.
The sun was out, changing shift with the stars and the moon that have been lighting up the sky all night. Sitting there the whole night has made my legs a bit numb. I walked slowly towards the bathroom. Walking very carefully because I can feel a bit of dizziness. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and took a warm bath. I changed into a new pair of clothes and tell myself that here’s another day I must face.
My parents went out to work early today. I peek at the kitchen table and see no sign of my breakfast. I took the car key from the key hanger by the door. I was dressed in a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt pulled over it. I felt cold the whole morning even though the sun is shining brightly out there. I drove to the food stall nearby my house and bought a take-away sandwich and a cup of hot chocolate. I ate my sandwich in the campus parking lot. Listening to the Light and Easy radio channel, I close my eyes, trying to relax myself. I really wish that time could just stop here. My handphone alarm ring and I opened my eyes. I put away the food packages and took my bag. I walked to the class as usual, with a slow pace. Maybe because I did not sleep last night, now I can feel a bit of dizzy. I walked down the hallway holding the railing bars at the side. I look so like an old lady walking. With nearly all my weight was supported by the bar, I dragged myself to the class. I can see white flashes of light and I thought its just some students playing with the mirrors reflect. Then suddenly everything went blank…
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